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Long Ago (Take Two)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Long Ago (Take Two) |
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Lavie New Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 8 |
This is my second attempt on these boards with this poem. I hope you like the changes that were made. -Lavie Long Ago Long ago on a clement summer morning There was a young spirited boy Perched in his favorite chair His hand seemed to be pointing It appeared to be high up on the wall Children tried to frolic with him His elders tried to rouse him The young boy remained tenacious Long ago on a mild fall afternoon There sat a middle-aged steadfast man Sitting in his personal chair His hand seemed to be pointing Approximately at the middle of the wall Children tried to frolic around him His peers made him an outcast The middle-aged man remained tenacious Long ago on a bitter winter eve There sat a thwarted old man Sagging in his rigid chair His hand seemed to be pointing Roughly at the bottom of the wall An inquisitive child approached him Reached out and lifted his hand The old man looked up and said, “Thank you.” |
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| © Copyright 2007 Lavie - All Rights Reserved | |||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Assuming I've understood your poem, perhaps simply saying the child took his hand instead of saying he lifted it might make it easier for the reader to get the point? Much better ending on this than on your original, imho. |
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Lavie New Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 8 |
Taking his hand does sound like a reasonable ending, but im not sure how it would impact the new message that I was trying for. This is the message I was going for. The child doesn't question the old man's actions nor does the child judge him for his actions. A child who hasn't been infuenced by the people around him into acting a certian way and what actions are acceptable. The child doesn't know why the old man is pointing, doesn't question his motives, or outcast him... The child helps the old man. To me I think by taking his hand that would make it seem like the child understood what he was doing enough to take his hand it support where by lifting his hand it sound more of just a helping hand. What do you think? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi, Lavie! I think there's a heck of a lot more going on in this poem than you suggest! Not a bad job at all, and welcome to this particular circus! Best, Jim  |
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Lavie New Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 8 |
I agree there is a lot more going on. I was just focusing lifing his hand vs taking his hand. Anyhow, I am glad you liked it. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
What are you trying to say with the pointing to the wall lines? I have my take on it but I'd really like to hear yours. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Jennifer! My take was that is a clock hand working its way down. Also curious as to what Lavie says. Best, Jim |
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Lavie New Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 8 |
The pointing represents the action or activity that one might be doing. And the longer someone has to face the hardship of that activity alone, the harder the task is. There are many differnt actions in the world that could easily fit this situation (None of which are what I am specifily writing about). 1. Stem Cell Reseach 2. Homosexuality 3. Uncorrupt Politicians 4. Personal Rights 5. Personal Beliefs 6. Dealing with differences between people I did not intend for it to be seen as a clock hand, but I do like that observation. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
That’s sort of what I figured, Lavie, but maybe there’s a better way of expressing it than with the wall lines? Then again, considering that Jim’s take on it was time related, (as was mine but in a different way) and you, as you said, were trying to show the task becomes harder over time, maybe they work just fine and convey the message of time running out for someone who’s spent their lifetime trying to point out the issues you mentioned. Perhaps you need only to give us a clue in your poem as to what those issues are, what the task is? They only thing left that really puzzles me is trying to reconcile what you said about the original as compared to what you’re saying now. Here are the original closing lines and your explanation: Long ago on a cold winter night There sat an old man Sitting as still as he could be His hand seemed to be pointing at something Something that appeared to be on the bottom of the wall Children played away from him Parents had forgotten him The old man remained motionless On that cold winter night A child whet up to the old man First the child look at the wall Then looked at the old man’s hand The child reached out and gave the old man’s finger a tug The ground shook just a little And a fowl smell filled the room The old man looked up and said, “Thank you.” "As for the "silly" part of the poem. That was the goal of the entire poem. The goal was to not expect what the ending result was. So the begining was there to draw the reader into the story and look at the depth of the situation, and the end was used to throw it in thier face and say surprise." Anyway, I enjoyed reading your poem and think it shows a lot of potential. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hi I thought this was too confined in its mannerism. Why limit the expression to just sitting and seemingly pointing at something? It seems there's very little voice, activity , diversity, and expression to something that could possibly have very much of those things, and in doing so, give much more poetic life to the poem. Be ambitious! "His hand seemed to be pointing It appeared to be high up on the wall" This wording is a bit awkward. The subject is "hand", but I don't think the hand itself is "high up on the wall". Some carefuller wording, and punctuation, shall help it read more clearly. Hope that helps. |
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Lavie New Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 8 |
Yes the original had a different theme and ending result. I liked the format, but wanted a more deep meaning to it. This is due to the feedback that I got from many people who thought that the poem fizzled at the end. So rather then try to make the old poem work I decided to change it entirely and this is what I came up with. I don’t think I want to make clues to what these events might be. I would like the reader come up with their own event or situation. And I don't want to make it to specific to where the reader can't come up with their own unique interpretation. I would be happy to see that each reader finds something different they can relate it to. As for limiting the action to sitting down, I thought that it fitted the situation well. He remained in his chair determined in his task. And the task itself is supost to seem odd and strange to those around him. Also, I will take a look at the lines you mentioned to see if I can get them to flow better. I do appreciate everyones feedback and I do plan to make a few tweeks to the poem. I would be glad to discuss any further questions anyone has ^_^. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I think I understand what you’re saying, Lavie, about not wanting to be too specific since I enjoy being rather cryptic myself. But, as the poem stands now the reader would, IMHO, have no clue whatsoever that you were trying to convey a message about any of the topics you mentioned. My suggestion would be to add just a bit about what the boy, middle aged man, old man was seeing as he pointed to the wall. And you could do that either with concrete or abstract images. Like each strophe would sort of have a different image yet the conclusion would be more or less the same, that a new generation, one less biased, prejudiced, more accepting, or more understanding finally “saw” what he was “seeing”. Good luck with your writing. I look forward to reading more of your work. And thank you for being so patient with all my questions and helping me understand your poem. |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
When I read your poem, at first, I felt that the main character might have been losing out on something because of his steadfast approach to life. It shows his courage to point his own direction, though sometimes lonely. I think that you made a good transition showing how he maintained high ideals, but became more in reach of others. Good job! Hope to see more of your work! your friend, miscellanea |
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