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A home without a wall, |
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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Dirt |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
The warm musty scent of dirt fills my senses demanding me to wake. Fitting I should be where I am now, for I dearly loved to garden. In these quiet moments bordering on wake and sleep I can forget what brought me to this place, for I longed to leave what I had before, but soon I'll remember and wish I could forget. If I hadn't bought a computer, if I hadn't logged on, if it hadn't been that day, who knows, I might not have met you and been better for not meeting, but my unsatisfiable curiosity choked me, willed me towards the end and I, I logged on. The newness of it all made my stomach dance, lured me to explore the unknown "chatrooms", for awareness of the dangers excites a lust to do "more" and, I did more. I talked, I flirted, I giggled with glee never imagining those dangers would soon meet me... He popped up on my screen like pop tarts in a toaster, mentioning he'd read words I had typed and enjoyed what he saw. And I, I the smart one fell, spiraling into a self made hell We talked of things dear to us, of the inconsequential, of life and love, of being. And I dreamed. My heart beat a constant tappity tap when we met and my stomach danced parquets of joy. He said that we should meet. I was in love, I was young, I was foolish... We met. Now I wonder at my longings for companionship for I used to relish being alone. He instilled in me a desire for conversation and death can't erode that desire, for the worms aren't big on talking. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is the first "new" thing I've written in awhile and I'm not exactly sure what it is. I guess what I would really like to know is if this is worth bothering with or should go back to the drawing board. I have this nagging feeling it's very cliche. I'd appreciate any suggestions. "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" @-->--- [This message has been edited by stargal (05-24-2007 05:00 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 stargal - All Rights Reserved | |||
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Stargal! I think this piece is a bit of prose, and good prose at that! You address a major phenomenon, intimacy on the net and potential scary stuff. You have the courage to step out of your net anonymity in this piece to talk about something that goes on and on. The thoughts are important and relevant to many people. I'd look at this again, and compress it to the meat. Good work so far! Best, Jim |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Oceanvu2, Thank you for your comment, I appreciate that you took the time to look this piece over. "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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