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Critical Analysis #2
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Heartache
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Heartache |
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Croatanese New Member
since 2007-04-15
Posts 4Croatia |
Up there, high above, Sleeps the god of love; My heart now beats in pain And I whish for a romantic rain: As Cupid sleeps in a rainy cloud His snore turns drops into his arrows; So I close my eyes when it rains To cry with lids lit and lonely fellows. I just don't know what cloud is his bed So I must catch the notorious fortune: I wonder in which cloud a lucky dice roll To be right below it when they finally fall. And as he sleeps, his wings flutter Breaking the cloud as a devious wind: So one must hurry, instead, as a nutter, Not eat sweet peach but lemon's rind. So his sleep is short As lovers to be yearn: ''Wake up, winged boy, We got love to learn!'' But when I open my eyes, if I see love, I needn't awoken Cupid's bow and arrow: It's already in heart, sings as a nightingale Not sitting on a branch like a sad sparrow. So raindrops of love fall from Heaven Touching eyelids of lucky ones 24/7: They were lit before, but just out of hope, And now out of kiss: it's like being on dope! As a way of saying thanks, Those in love would gladly give World's most beautiful bow To little god, as now they live: It's, what else, a rainbow Dancing in brightest colors; But it's an upward aiming bow Oh, our Cupid has troubles! The only ones he can aim at Are lonely clouds wandering above, And even if he makes them cry They will die out of tears of love. So the one chance Roman god has Is to use the rainbow as a long bow: Releasing his arrow without aim To hit lucky one, killing just sorrow. And distant Cupid might well be But love calls from distance too: It sings the heart's sweetest melody To love birds, maybe me and you. [This message has been edited by Croatanese (04-16-2007 12:48 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Domagoj Stic - All Rights Reserved | |||
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lifeonly Junior Member
since 2006-10-18
Posts 18Ontario, Canada |
Hey there, welcome to the forums. There were a few spelling and grammar errors in the poem that caught my eye and made me loose my focus. L3: whish (wish) L22: awoken (awaken) Some of the rhyming seemed a bit forced which caused some parts of the poem to feel awkward. You start the poem in a somber tone but it turns more playful as the poem goes on as you use phrases like, "as a nutter" and "it's like being on dope!". I'd suggest running another edit on this poem to rid of some of these problems. I did see some original phrasing and potential for some great ideas in the work. So, its a start, but I think it will need some work. |
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Croatanese New Member
since 2007-04-15
Posts 4Croatia |
So, its a start, but I think it will need some work. Me too. Not a bad idea, eh? Heh, I guess I do have my moments. Domagoj Stic. That is my name. What else do you want me to say? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
There are some nice bits of whimsy in this, which is good, because it is hard to talk about Cupid with a straight face. I think this has the makings of a very good satirical piece if you want to go in that direction. It comes down to choosing between laughing at love, or enduring it. It's hard to have it both ways. Jim |
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Croatanese New Member
since 2007-04-15
Posts 4Croatia |
One motive, instead of two, maybe even three, eh ocean? I agree. What was I thinking! Maybe I wasn't. Yes, the idea is not bad, but I don't have my personal technique in which I usually write. I should tame my flames, not let them tame me. Yes, a poet should tame his poem, and the poem should tame the reader. Well, you don't look so tamed to me, so I'll just keep trying! Domagoj Stic. That is my name. What else do you want me to say? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi -- I forgot to mention that it is truly nifty to find someone posting from Coratia! Quick question: you mention that you do not have your normal writing tools at hand, so I am wondering if English is your first language? Aside from odds and ends of spelling, which crop up in most posts on this Forum, English seems to be a language you have clearly mastered. Trust me, that's a very serious compliment. Jim |
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Croatanese New Member
since 2007-04-15
Posts 4Croatia |
Well, it means something, but it shouldn't draw your attention too much. Because, I red translation in Croatian of some English and Russian poems, some of which I have read in English too, as a comparison. I don't understand Russian though, just a few words. So the translation of poems of Jesenjin was truly great. Heh, no need to learn Russian at all. It was one hell of a translation, as to translate a poem, particularly of high caliber, is literally making a new poem. You have to capture the moment right, find the right words. And some English poems, can't remember which though, sounded even better translated. But yes, it is not a coincidence that world languages are world languages. Also, I have to disagree with you, as I am quite certain, that I haven't mastered English language, because I haven't mastered not even Croatian language. My level of education is not that high, and my God do I miss it now, being just a workingman. Still, as I said, I do have my moments, but I am afraid they will not surpass the present level. Thanks anyway. Domagoj Stic. That is my name. What else do you want me to say? |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi -- You do yourself an injustice. Very few native English speakers on this forum have mastered English either, and certainly not at your level. As to being a working man, so were many great poets writing in all languages. Formal education is not a pre-requisite to sophisticated and resounding expression. The fact that you read poetry at all indicates that you are hardly naive. Best, Jim |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Yeah you probaly speak english better than me and I AM a native speaker. I think you coudl compact this piece a bit and make it shorter and more concise while not losing the touches that make this a good piece. I like the idea of using Cupid which is soposed to be a icon for happy love for heartache. RhIa |
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NerudaLover New Member
since 2007-04-22
Posts 3 |
Hello there! Your images are interesting, but you need to make them more vivid; and as you crystalize yoru images, make sure that the rhythm of the poem is smooth. _______________ maxine Subaru 2006 Collection Brochure by Subaru Motors USA |
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