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Critical Analysis #2
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The girl crying outside the mall
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The girl crying outside the mall |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Haven't written in a while, but let me know what to do with this one. Thanks. Dane It’s strange to me how All the light can Focus in one place on such A sunny day when tears stream At such a right angle. Through all the dark of hair And paint And Hot Topic shopping spree, The brilliance and clarity of sorrow Stood our like a star Or Christmas light that Wasn’t told to maintain its uniformity. I pushed through the group Aggravated by inconvenience But slowed when driving past Realizing the itinerant nature Of the two sides of the same coin. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Dane Barner - All Rights Reserved | |||
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Dane! I like it, don't cry! I'm going to get into it. Please don't be offended. The Girl Crying Outside the Mall. It’s strange to me how (This is not a partucularly strong first line. If it wasn't strange to you, you might not have noticed it in the first place.) All the light can Focus in one place on such (Think about "all the light focuses in one place on such..." A sunny day when tears stream At such a right angle. (Think about: "A sunny day. (Her) tears stream..." Now you've personalized it, and made it about "The Girl Crying at the Mall.) Through all the dark of hair And paint And Hot Topic shopping spree, (Think about compression: Through all the dark of and paint and shopping spree...) "Hot topic" doesn't seem to add a lot. Maybe a more powerful image?) The brilliance and clarity of sorrow (I think the poem talks about "her" sorrow. It doesn't hurt to talk about what you are talking about.) Stood our like a star (.) (A) Christmas light that Wasn’t told to maintain its uniformity. (Look to the music of the lines. What can you do with compression? I pushed through the group Aggravated by inconvenience (You've lost the specificity of the girl/sunshine/sorrow images and brought it down to you.) But slowed when driving past (.) (You've gone from pushing through the crowd-- walking -- to driving with no transition. Realizing the itinerant nature Of the two sides of the same coin. (OK, the thought is great and it is germane to the sunshine/sorrow contrast. "Itinerant" sounds nice indeed, but may not be the appropriate adjective. And again, I'd think about bringing it back to the Girl Crying Outside The Mall.) You have the skills to make this work at a less ambiguous level. I don't try to be a pain in the butt, but I was born to edit. Keep on truckin'. Best, Jim |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I appreciate your response. I'll look into the changes. Dane |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Dane! You do good work which I enjoy and appreciate. You have very much to offer. Best, Jim |
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dwgpoet Member
since 2007-03-05
Posts 122FL, USA |
Good Day, Oceanvu2 has given you ample editing ideas. Maybe the poem can start with the second paragraph; mixing the first paragraphs thoughts in a (image line)/ altenating (thought line)/(image line)/(thought line) For instance: Through all the dark of hair And paint, It’s strange to me how at the hot hobby of a shopping spree, all the light focuses in one place with such brilliance, such clarity of sorrow on a sunny day when tears stream like a star Or Christmas light never told to maintain its uniformity at such a right angle. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Hi Dane. It's been a while. Have to say this is one of my favorites by you. Before I post my comments may I ask if you're working on revisions? I don't want to toss something into the mix that might throw you off. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Jennifer- It has been a while. Nice to hear from you. Right now I'm trying to finish the school year. We have 3 days left and my kids are going crazy. But that is to be expected. I always enjoy your comments. Please add anything you can. Thanks for the read Dane |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Hi again, Dane. There are images and lines in this that I really love, for instance, the way you described how light illuminated the darkness...focused on “the brilliance and clarity of sorrow” (love that phrase!), and “through all the dark of hair/and paint/”is absolutely brilliant! A couple of lines that threw me off were “Hot Topic shopping spree”, “wasn’t told to maintain its uniformity”. The word itinerant doesn’t seem to fit quite right with the “same coin” phrase. Also, tears streaming at a right angle seems a bit much. My suggestions would be to build the light/dark contrasts in S1 and S2 and in S3, drop all the ” I” references (and the “to me” in S1L1) and draw you conclusions more in keeping with the tone of S1 and S2. There’s a lot to like in your poem, Dane, and, unless your satisfied with it, I’m going to nag you about polishing this up a bit in rewrite. |
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