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Of Things Unsaid
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Of Things Unsaid |
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openthoughts Member
since 2006-01-16
Posts 94Where the child can be free |
Of Things Unsaid Is that you? said I with empty eyes The storm asked who else it could be. You could be a storm, as I felt the wind. How dare you suggest that of me! I followed with my crooked smile as we walked out towards the sea and the storm became excited for what it thought would be. the air here, it is different it seems a little salty. Do you imply I've led you astray? How dare you suggest that of me! So I fixed my gaze, stared straight ahead though my eyes, they could not see and with my same old crooked smile I made the storm follow me. Just a few more steps, said the storm, and I promise you'll be happy I nodded. And if not, I said, at least I will be free I stood at sandy bank and thanked the storm so kindly Just a few more steps and then the world will be perfect to thee. My head still broke the surface as I was pulled down by the sea I smiled the same crooked smile and said, How dare you suggest that of me! I'm well aware of most of the weaknesses in this poem (since I spent much of it focused on rediculous rhyme). I'm hoping that whoever reads this can work past those awkward phrases (which I promise to edit later in attempt to better the flow) and possibly attempt to center your attention upon meaning. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The first four lines aren't just ambiguous, they are confusing. You have to make some decisions there. When you say concentrate on the meaning, what do you mean? I picture a woman being persuaded by a storm to drown herself. If you shooting for something more, you have to drop more hints, readers don't have ESP, you know.  |
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openthoughts Member
since 2006-01-16
Posts 94Where the child can be free |
I know this is old but I realized I never clarified something in this poem that, without knowing, makes this extraordinarily confusing. Rather than using quotation marks (since that becomes confusing both between and within stanzas), I used indentations to signify a change in speaker. This poem is actually a dialogue. To anyone who cared, I hoped that helped a little |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
this is a good example of a stock Dialogue poem. I didn't find it confusing, a little scary, but not confusing. Is there a way that you can make the storm more vile? The passive aggresive thing is good, but I think the idea would be more clear if the "bad guy" wasn't so nonchalant. good work Dane |
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