Triggered Sentry - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Critical Analysis #2

Triggered Sentry

jayjara
Member

since 2007-05-02

Posts 90
Florida

0 posted 2007-05-09 11:07 PM

It's the metronome of life that restricts me
to clichés and forced rhymes,
the constant ticker-tatter
of keyboards and pitter-patter
of money flow through these hands and feed
that figure at the door, the silhouette of misery;
heavy jacket, moist boots, a hat to fit his darker hairs
and a tag to fit his youngest memory.

He carries a gun, he's ready to blow
loaded, cocked, but a lock on the trigger,
a lock with no combination but consequences
some sort of notion that leads
me to motion ink on the page,
stains this convivial fantasy;
leaves my disposition bleak
but with instruction to unlock my cliché;
loaded, cocked, but a finger on the trigger.

-J

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

1 posted 2007-05-11 06:09 PM

Hi Jayjara!  This gets off to a great start, then tumbles a wee bit.  An edit follows.  Feel free to ignore.

It's the metronome of life that restricts me
to clichés and forced rhymes,
the constant ticker-tatter
of keyboards and pitter-patter" (.)


The execution of these lines is excellent.

(And yet,)some sort of notion leads
me to the page,
(To spite) convivial fantasy.
(It)leaves my disposition bleak
(unable to)unlock (tick tock) cliché.

A take on the poem might then read:

It's the metronome of life that restricts me
to clichés and forced rhymes,
the constant ticker-tatter
of keyboards and pitter-patter

And yet, some sort of notion leads me to the page
To spite convivial fantasy.
It leaves my disposition bleak,
unable to unlock, tick tock, cliché.

Vagrants (?) and guns don't seem to have much to do with where you start out, but that's just me.

Best, Jim

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.