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Critical Analysis #2

Bother thee

jayjara
Member

since 2007-05-02

Posts 90
Florida

0 posted 2007-05-02 08:55 PM

Dim rocks on ground
round up and stain
pain on the knees,
blisters on the slip,
ringing in the ear
that bothers thee.
That sense of defeat
that lacks so much of thee,
radiates from chapped lips
to issue decree
free to bend our knees
and follow this marquee,
but humbly you blame
with beat the same.
Rhythm of coffee drops
drip drip dripin'
on an open chest
pierce throbbing fibers
wear I bleed,
bleed dourly, it bothers me.

-J

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-05-13 11:45 PM

quote:
Rhythm of coffee drops
drip drip dripin'
on an open chest

I think this is the best part, it's an interesting image and would like to know more about it. Notice how this part doesn't rhyme.

I don't think the blood imagery is necessary after this.

Aurelian
Member

since 2007-03-20

Posts 109
TX, USA

2 posted 2007-05-14 12:12 PM

"Thee" sounds a bit too archaic for the tone of the rest of the poem. The clash is a little off-sounding. Some good imagery here, but I'd agree with Brad - cut the blood part.

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