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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Fool |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA 
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“Listen to the sound of the bereaved weep “I tell you – Love is terrible “The sagging face of a sleepless mother It is Love – and is terrible” The man spoke to her with a marble smile On a face of finished granite And polished eyes of cold glass looking on The wordless question of her eyes “Love is hard I know” said she, eyes dripping “But worse is an endless silence “And long expanse of stretched-out emptiness “The tepid blandness of nothing” He turned to walk back alone to his cell And his perfection of safety Shielded from any a soul-racking shock Apart in his fortress of ice He always smiled at her as he walked by And often dropped a word or two For he was safe now – she could not now harm His heart – for it was cold He sat down one day – for all was safety And no love to fear inside him And pulled from his drawer a long .45 And studied the friendly muzzle The landlady found him silent and cold In the chair that he reclined in “Safe” from ever a heartbreak or sorrow With a warm bullet lodged inside |
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| © Copyright 2007 Joshua R. Tindell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi! Aw, this ain't you. This is you: "The man spoke to her with a marble smile On a face of finished granite And polished eyes of cold glass looking on The wordless question of her eyes “Love is hard I know” said she, eyes dripping “But worse is an endless silence “And long expanse of stretched-out emptiness “The tepid blandness of nothing” Gorgeous, but you might look at using "eyes" three times. The "story telling" parts of the poem seem forced and atypical, given your strengths. Plus, it's a darned old story. Best, really, Jim  |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
Yeah, I've had this one a while and never felt real good about it. I was trying to write a critique of the sort of people who never will love anyone because of the risk of being hurt, but it degenerated into a rather predictable plot of isolation and suicide. You're right, been done before. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
This post is a continuation of remarks on "The Sky's Veil." In that thread, I referred to your having a greater poetic lexicon than some choices you made. For me, the above lines are an example of you at your best. The thought "due diligence" comes to mind. You can be so good, you don't need to short change yourself. Best, Jim |
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