»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Deafening Eyes
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Deafening Eyes |
|
|
jayjara Member
since 2007-05-02
Posts 90Florida |
Burning fuel, keeps flies away, mixed with perfume, leaves me blind; can't help but think where her mind reside. Take another step, can't hear myself think to let me inside. But inside its different, inside its magnetic. The dust cap in her eyes allowing notes to resonate through hollow cones spinning out of the black, flimsy diaphragm, but safe we are; her blue suspension keeping the beat all arranged in her basket, letting me know of a silent pleasure. Every two step, another ache in my ears; Jet motors drive this quiet whisper. She's a million decibels and I, I am her wooden frame that encloses this white noise. My eardrums whistle to the R&B's of her deafening eyes. -J |
||
| © Copyright 2007 Jara - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi! There's a very good poem hidden at the bottom of this: "Jet motors drive (her) (quiet-- delete) whisper (at) a million decibels and I, I am (the) wooden frame that encloses her white noise. My eardrums whistle to the R&B ('s -- delete) of her deafening eyes." Suggested revisions, in parentheses, are always just that, suggestions. The beginning of the poems is pretty much dross -- dross with some nice images, but pretty much fumbling around until you get at what you want to get at. What might happen if you "started" with the "ending?" Best, Jim |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
