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Mid-December Grey Blues
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Mid-December Grey Blues |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Cage door barroom philosophy monger, Doldrums drool face mumbling slumber, Mid-December grey blues punching in the number, Time-clock government schlock occupational plumber. Wage slave engaged, displaying all his feathers, Remember all the good times amidst foul weather, Tethered to the suburbs, kvetching all the way, To the train of discipline, before it rendered you a slave. Subject to projection of a thousand different faces, Racing in the alley, Janus had nothing on this display, Now a worm without a purpose dumpster diving for dinner, While scrounging your way to the destruction of your liver. Homeward bound stories weave tales of deprivation, Degradation and frustration, machinations of a nation, Middle class grass and lower class booze, Cruising down the highway with the radio on snooze. Good times sunny bunnies and summertime halcyon, School day torture high school and sour milk calcium, Passing by a Siren and calling out her name, Video games and praying to gods whose vocation was to maim. Violent obsessions yet peaceful tendencies, Bringing a close to the poem and the reliving of memories. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, Essorant should have fun with this one  |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Meaning...? It would be cool if YOU were to critique this, Not A Poet. [This message has been edited by UseTheIllusion (05-01-2007 09:45 PM).] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I guess he is alluding to my comment to Viking Metal's "Couch" about lacking finite verbforms. I am not exactly having "fun" though. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
So, in other words, I didn't say he/she/it "is" enough... This was actually intentional, as I wanted to keep the flow sturdy, and focus only on the "you" aspect of the poem. What about this doesn't work for you Essorant? Would you simply prefer more finite verb forms? Or is there anything else about this that need improvement? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
If you write it out like prose, the structural and grammatical problems appear much more obvious. For example, the first stanza: "Cage door barroom philosophy monger, Doldrums drool face mumbling slumber, Mid-December grey blues punching in the number, Time-clock government schlock occupational plumber. " What kind of sentence or paragraph is that? |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
An unconvnentional one. And this is not prose, its poetry. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
That is the greater reason to pursue better sentence structure. In order to afford the luxury of poeticness with the language, you need at least to meet the basics of good sentence structure. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
According to your personal definition of poetry. According to mine, poetry can be any combination of words. What matters is the resonance it has with it's audience and creator. Please don't take my seriousness about this poem to mean that I don't wish to improve it. I am proud of this piece, and wish to make it better, not trash it or tear it down. |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
This is so thick with modifiers and abstract phrases that not even breaking it up with articles is going to help. There is some interesting stuff in here, but it is overall so dense, that I have trouble extracting any meaning because everything dilutes everything else. Cage door barroom philosophy monger, Doldrums drool face mumbling slumber, Mid-December grey blues punching in the number, Time-clock government schlock occupational plumber. Okay, first line already lost me. Do you literally mean - There is a philosophy monger in a bar room that has a cage door? I'm really asking? Next line, do you mean - A depressed face drools, mumbling something about wanting to sleep? The philosophy monger, hopefully? Next line - I like the term - mid-december grey blues, but what is the context for this emotion? Near to X-Mas? Then - punching in the number, which I can derive no meaning from, whatsoever. Is this like a blue-collar term for work? Needs to be clarified, imo. Last line - Time-clock gov't, again, no idea what you are trying to say because there is no context for such a sweeping statement. What is schlock? Where did the occupational plumber come in? Is this the same Philosophy monger? Sorry, I have the same issues regarding the following strophes. It seems to all lose focus through your desire for end-rhymes. I'm not against rhymes. Only when they intrude overtly on the message and purpose of the poem, which then becomes far too muddled. Regards, Sampo. PS - I don't know if this is relevant to your poem, but I just like throwing Bukowski into pretty much any rant of mine - Charles Bukowski Big Night On The Town drunk on the dark streets of some city, it's night, you're lost, where's your room? you enter a bar to find yourself, order scotch and water. damned bar's sloppy wet, it soaks part of one of your shirt sleeves. It's a clip joint-the scotch is weak. you order a bottle of beer. Madame Death walks up to you wearing a dress. she sits down, you buy her a beer, she stinks of swamps, presses a leg against you. the bar tender sneers. you've got him worried, he doesn't know if you're a cop, a killer, a madman or an Idiot. you ask for a vodka. you pour the vodka into the top of the beer bottle. It's one a.m. In a dead cow world. you ask her how much for head, drink everything down, it tastes like machine oil. you leave Madame Death there, you leave the sneering bartender there. you have remembered where your room is. the room with the full bottle of wine on the dresser. the room with the dance of the roaches. Perfection in the Star Turd where love died laughing. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
quote: And Essorant is sincerely trying to help you make it better. It is true that poetry gives you some license to abuse the language a bit. But so does prose (think Mark Twain, for example). Still, both are expressions of the language. You still have to make sense. What you have actually written is just a long string of adjectives. Now it can be effective, particularly in poetry, to string multiple adjective phrases as a lead-in, it still must eventually culminate in at least a sentence-like structure. Otherwise, it is just a bunch of flowery words with no essence, just plain gobblediguuk (spelling deliberate due to filter). If you really want to make this better instead of just defending your right to write whatever you want then you might do well to listen to Essorant with a more open mind. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Actually, Sampo, you got most (if not ALL of it correct). The larger portion of the poem is meant to be taken literally. I am refering to the same person ("you") throughout the whole poem. And Bukowski is ALWAYS welcome in any thread or post of mine!  Not A Poet, I take issue with your calling it gobbeldyguk (spelling?). Sampo managed to derive almost exactly what I was trying to say in the first stanza, albeit with some ambiguity. Obviously I did something right, if he or she was able to interpret it correctly. Of course I don't object to Essorant's trying to help me...at least, I wouldn't if he actually gave me something to work with, rather than popping in to give some brief comment. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
But what do I need to show you about how to make clear and correct sentences? I know that you know how to make clear and correct sentences from reading your comments. If you have any questions about specific details, I may try to help you. But right now, I am just suggesting that you practice the good sentence structure you already know how to do in prose, in your poetry as well. Pursuing good sentence structure doesn't stop prose from being prose, but it helps it be good and strong prose. Likewise good sentence structure doesn't stop poetry from being poetry, but it helps it be good and strong poetry. ""Cage door barroom philosophy monger, Doldrums drool face mumbling slumber, Mid-December grey blues punching in the number, Time-clock government schlock occupational plumber. " Let's start with the first stanza. Can you make these lines into a more "normal" sentence? |
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