navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » For Lump, Under Covers
Critical Analysis #2
Post A Reply Post New Topic For Lump, Under Covers Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

0 posted 2007-04-23 07:54 PM


Like Jimmy Smith at the Hammond B3, I need
a new voice, a different  choreography of tone
and touch.   Stride piano doesn’t cut it,
Lump, and the needle’s stuck on “Nocturne.”

I sit beside you in the guise of service, but
I’m rarely here.   I’ve lost the confidence
in my old tunes; they weren’t working anyway.
It’s not indifference, it’s theft by inattention.

What can I give you other than full song?
You’re dying, Lump, even as I look away.
I need a new voice, Lump, a presence that speaks
to you like the Hammond spoke to Jimmy Smith.

[This message has been edited by Brad (05-13-2007 01:08 AM).]

© Copyright 2007 Jim Aitken - All Rights Reserved
ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
1 posted 2007-04-24 03:49 PM


This is great. I think that you can drop "a the Hammond B3" If you don't have the cultural literacy to know who Jimmy Smith or the smarts to google him quickly - then the write is wasted on them anyway.

I sort of get the Lump thing - is it reference to a record? It seems wierd. Clarification or elemination.

Nice one though

Dane

oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
2 posted 2007-04-24 05:50 PM


Why, thank you Dane.

Jimmy Smith at the Hammond B3 is a cultural reference that dates me.  You've got a reasonable point.  I wonder about caving into cultural literacy.  I also recognize that younger people may not be aware that Jimmy Smith was the first jazz keyboardist to take the Hammond seriously.  I wasn't trying to be purposefully obscure, and the reference fits the notion of finding a new voice.  (What is truly obscure is that "Jimmy Smith at the Hammond B3 is a reference to "Peter Quince at the Clavier..."

Let me think on that one.

"Lump" is the person under the covers, and a reflection of my cowardice when trying a different form.  I didn't have the courage to personalize it and use "Love."  Might that help?

Best, Jim


ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
3 posted 2007-04-25 04:06 PM


Thanks for the clarification:

Let me be clear: I by no means am critiqing  your obscurity. Who says you don't have to work when reading poetry! Very much enjoy the angle your are coming from.

The Lump thing makes sense. You may want to add some sort of poetic definition in your write to clarify that point.

Very good
Carry on

Dane

viking_metal
Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.
4 posted 2007-04-29 10:50 AM


Smooth flow,

no kinks.

nice job,

-Paul

oceanvu2
Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA
5 posted 2007-05-07 05:22 PM


Hi!  I tried to edit this again, mainly adding a new title that makes more sense, but it has been way past the 24 hour deadline.

New title is:  For Lump, Under Covers.

Does this help?

Best, Jim

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » For Lump, Under Covers

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary