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viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

0 posted 2007-04-22 11:29 PM

A girl's sea-spray eyes

cross-legged on the floor

a comfortable distance away from

a boy's "close-your-eyes-and-sigh" regret

on a beige "pleather" couch

wishing he could

put his head

in his knurling-calloused hands.

Such an idiot.

[This message has been edited by viking_metal (04-23-2007 08:51 PM).]

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

1 posted 2007-04-23 11:57 AM

Viking-

Usually a big fan of what you put out, but I think this one needs a little expansion. The personification is a bit out there - you need to give the reader a little more to create a picture that one can buy into.

Dane

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

2 posted 2007-04-23 08:29 PM

I suppose this is more of a journal entry, if you will, than anything. I'll edit up though, to paint at least something of a picture.

Thanks CS.

-Paul

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

3 posted 2007-04-23 08:50 PM

A girl's sea-spray eyes

cross-legged on the floor

a comfortable distance away from

a boy's "close-your-eyes-and-sigh" regret

on a biege "pleather" couch

wishing he could

put his head

in his knurling-calloused hands.

Such an idiot.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

4 posted 2007-04-24 03:51 PM

Yeah man---that clears things up a bit.....

Sea-spray-eyes = very cool.

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

5 posted 2007-04-24 06:27 PM

Viking -

struggled with this one.
my thoughts, take or toss as you will -

A girl's sea-spray eyes

okay. this first line is a fragment.
where are the verbs, the action?
sea-spray eyes is an excellent image,
but what they are looking at?

cross-legged on the floor

having trouble with enjambment here.
you follow one fragment with another.
(she) sits crossed on the floor? presumably.
you need to clarify this, imo.

a comfortable distance away from

a boy's "close-your-eyes-and-sigh" regret

it leans toward teen-speak here. maybe your
intention, in order to convey their age.
also, what's with the double spacing?
detracts, imo.

on a biege "pleather" couch

don't know 'pleather'

wishing he could

put his head

in his knurling-calloused hands.

'knurling' is such an obscure word here.
i like the image, but is it really a phrase
you want to use?

Such an idiot.

i like the ending. declarative and ironic -
in contrast to the earnest imagry preceding.

hope this helps.

regards,

sampo.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

6 posted 2007-04-24 08:22 PM

sampo- Thanks for the review. Some things you said, I think, just didnt click. Still too much of a journal entry.

Thanks CS!

-Paul

[This message has been edited by viking_metal (04-24-2007 09:21 PM).]

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

7 posted 2007-04-25 03:55 PM

Hi Paul.  Woah, this made me laugh out loud because I read the first two lines as "A girl's sea-spray eyes cross-legged on the floor"  which seemed wonderfully loopy!

I know that's not what you meant.  Per Sampo, an easy fix might be:

A girl with sea-spray eyes
Sits cross-legged on the floor..."

I understand "pleather" to be naugahyde or some such synthetic, but I'm not sure that it adds anything.  That you use it within
quotation marks makes me think you might not be too comfortable with it, either.

I share, for the heck of it, a poem which arrived in the mail today for my wife, Debbie, from her niece, who signs herself "Princess."

             AUNT DEBBIE

                Angel
             sweet, pretty
       loving, caring, having fun!
         Aunt Debbie is awesome!

               Princess

This is pre-teen speak.  Princess is eight.  I wish I was eight, too.

Best, Jim

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

8 posted 2007-04-25 10:04 PM

As do I.

No, that was worded exactly the way I wanted it to be.

REPLY TO MY EMAILS, YOU!!!

Valedictions!

-Paul

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

9 posted 2007-04-29 12:00 PM

I think Pleather is plastic leather , or at least thats what people at my school say.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

10 posted 2007-04-29 04:39 PM

It reads more like sketchy prose than poetry. Why not give it some depth and poetic richness? And if you include one finite verb you may at least have a complete sentence.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

11 posted 2007-04-29 10:25 PM

Maybe.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

12 posted 2007-04-30 11:15 AM

Actually I shouldn't suggest that there is no finite verb.

But the words that follow "wishing" are somewhat like words in quotation marks.

It is like the difference of saying.

He saying "I could..."

and

He says/said "I could"

(he) wishing he could

and

(he) wishes/wished he could

Do you see the difference?

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

13 posted 2007-05-02 10:32 PM

Yes, thank you.

Anything else?

-Paul

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