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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Deadly Seduction |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
I've posted this before under a different name and have received some great critiques and so I've made a few changes and I look forward to seeing what ya'll think. Although as a pre-warning my punctuation is atrocious and I'm sure you'll see more then one error, I hope you have some suggestions for that.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From twilight to dusk her heart seduces through haunted windows of a delicate soul. Whispering a forsaken lullaby, an abyss of bittersweet concrete memories, intoxicating all who surround her frigid facade. With beautifully induced words igniting a kerosene stage she captures you with one breath, stealing you away on a fluttering scarlet carousel. Attracting your attention in her move of deadly seduction… "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" @-->--- |
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| © Copyright 2007 stargal - All Rights Reserved | |||
Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
I think it paints a vivid picture of the intrigue and danger of temptations of all kinds. Stephen. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
The language is very cliche. Concrete memories Kerosene stage la la la.... Maybe a little more stark description --- ---A little less Marshall Fields a little more Kmart. hopefully that makes sense. CS |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Well, I understood that you think some of the poem is cliche, I understood that it needs some "stark descriptions" but you lost me at Marshall Fields and Kmart? Thanks for the suggestions, I'll try it again, being more blunt... "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" @-->--- |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
A 21st century siren? |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Marshall Fields = Frilly, ornate, expensive. Kmart = utilitarian, straight forward, nearly pedestrian Dane |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Okay, so your telling me to go from high class, expensive, shirt, to cheap, poor quality shirt? I'm not sure I understand your reasoning in this, suggestion. Don't get me wrong, I'm open to any ideas you fill free to suggest, I just need something more to go on then puzzle pieces, I need a picture of the whole thing. Mayhap a better explanation is in order? I'm lost and I'm also dense, please spell it out Also, Brad, your comment? explanation? "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" @-->--- |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Who be "her?" Same thing Brad asks. Also, if you have to pre-apologize for your punctuation, correct your punctuation first. This is a very intriguing poem. It is so close, it hurts. Still hurts a little, though. I don't see the banality in the images per a different post. One could make an argument that "pitch black" isn't much different from "black," but the "kerosene" thing seems very valid to my ear. You've done very good work on this so far. Maybe one more look? If you are collecting your poems for a chapbook, this one defintely goes in. Now, that wasn't particularly brutal, was it? Very best. You're a "gooder." Jim |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
"Although as a pre-warning my punctuation is atrocious and I'm sure you'll see more then one error, I hope you have some suggestions for that." "Also, if you have to pre-apologize for your punctuation, correct your punctuation first." I pre-apologize for my punctuation because I don't know how to correct it. How can I correct something before I post it if I don't know the answer? I flunked horribly in grammar when I was in school, much to my shame. I am working on re-learning the ins and outs but you'll notice I asked for suggestion on how to correct it. It's like a word that is spelled wrong on here, most people will point it out and tell you how it is spelled, why not grammar errors? Thanks for the suggestions as is, I will take a few more looks at the piece, any special places that seem wrong to you? I've gotten so I know the poem so well I don't notice the errors. "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" @-->--- |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
"stealing you away on a fluttering scarlet carousel. Attracting your attention in her move of deadly seduction…" You might try a comma after carousel, or leave the period and consider "She attracts." The more I read this, the more I like it. Jim |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Oceanvu2, The comma would be very appropriate in the wording of the poem and sentence structure, and I'm afraid I completely missed that. Thank you for being specific in your comment/suggestion, for as I said before I can be very dense at times (: "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" @-->--- |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
If PIP puts out a second poetry anthology, this belongs in it. Jim |
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donovan blue Junior Member
since 1999-09-21
Posts 26austin,tx,usa |
is she a fire-dancer perhaps? or is it all metaphor...? Beautiful nonetheless...beautiful. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Actually, as odd as it sounds, I don't know who she is, just something my inner-self had to write. "The rising morning can't insure that we shall end the day; For death stands ready at the door to snatch our lives away" |
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