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A dangerous fleet
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A dangerous fleet |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
A dangerous fleet~ Rushing through these dim lit halls; ignorant brawling floods my ears. Like a thousand scarabs, swarming their prey, looking to kill. Sirens scream, as I run for my diabolical haven. The slave driver studies his spoil, one by one, calls out to his captives. He searches for a victim. Struggling to remain undetected, I catch his eye, just in time, for the last siren to sing a song of freedom. The scarabs flock to their nests. ~Please, be brutal~ [This message has been edited by TyroStar (04-01-2007 11:34 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 TyroStar - All Rights Reserved | |||
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
To me this is almost like a gangfight outbreak inside a mall or school? |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Wow, after reading your comment, then re-reading my poem, it really does sound like that. It's actually about school. |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Any suggestions for a rewrite? Or edit? |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Sorry to keep bumping this.. but I don't know whether the lack of replies means i've done a horrible job and it's not worth elaborating, or there's just nothing to fix. Anything? |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
tyro - some good stuff in here. but some i had trouble with. my suggestions, feel free to use or lose - Rushing through these dim lit halls; i think dim lit is little dull (pun intended) perhaps as a way to tie into your dangerous fleet title, you could say something like - overcast? also, i'd prefer 'the' to 'these.' ignorant brawling floods my ears. don't like 'ignorant' here. drop it and you have some good internals with 'halls' and 'brawling.' Like a thousand scarabs, swarming their prey, looking to kill. good image and sound. i like the scarabs. Sirens scream, like the sibillence here. as I run for my diabolical haven. 'diabolical' haven is too abstract for me. you could replace it with an image of a classroom or something to give the piece some much needed clarity. The slave driver studies his spoil, good alliteration, though i'm not sure what you mean by 'spoil' do you mean something like 'haul' in this context? if so, i think i get it. if you replaced spoil with haul you'd have the internal sound with call, but then you'd lose the series of 's' sounds. so, don't know which would work better. one by one, calls out to his captives. i think you can drop 'to' here. He searches for a victim. searches clashes for me, since he has already called them out. i'd suggest something like 'picks out' or 'points out.' then again this clashes with the strophe after. 'studies each' maybe to add another school element? Struggling to remain undetected, I catch his eye, just in time, for the last siren to sing a song of freedom. The scarabs flock to their nests. i don't really understand the ending. i'm picking up on some kind of hostage situation, but i can't really follow this resolution. anyway, hope this is of some help. regards, sampo. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hy Tyro: This one doesn't seem to need much brutality at all, just some tweaking: The title fits the first stanza, but not the poem. "Rushing through these dim lit halls; ignorant brawling floods my ears" Because the rest of the poem tries to make grammatical sense, I suggest that "ignorant brawling" is not rushing through the halls, you are. A possible tweak: As I rush through these dim lit halls, Ignorant brawlers flood my ears Like a thousand scarabs swarming their prey, looking to kill. The rest the imagery is perfectly clear. I think most of us have had at least one sadistic geometry/Latin/English/whatever teacher who seemed to delight in humiliating a student just because he or she could. Sirens scream as I run for my diabolical haven. maybe "hellish" for "diabolcal?" The slave driver studies his spoil, (and) one by one, (survey's) his captives (as) He searches for a victim. Struggling to remain undetected, I catch his eye, just in time for the last siren to sing (its) song of freedom. The scarabs flock to their nests. So, the above changes in punctuation and possible alternative words are pickety-pickety. I'm left wondering, though, what in the poem, besides evident disdain, sets you apart from the rest of the scarabs? Just something to munch on. Best, Jim |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Thank you. You were both very helpful. I'll do some editing, and perhaps post a re-write. |
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