Just another angst filled love poem.

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

TyroStar
Junior Member

since 2007-01-31

Posts 38

0 posted 2007-03-28 10:30 PM

At what point does love
become an obsession?
An addiction, leading to
unseen depression.

Love is rarely two-sided,
and when it is,
it's never evenly divided.
The scale always leans.

Nothing lasts forever,
but to lose an addiction,
an obsession, a love,
it becomes an affliction.

I love you, and you love me,
it's foolish to think
we will always be,
but I need you.

So let's write our love,
let's fill a tome,
stay, we'll make just another
angst filled love poem.

~Dedicated to a very special guy, who I don't plan on showing this to until it's just right. Opinions? Suggestions?

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

1 posted 2007-03-30 01:33 AM

yep.

TyroStar
Junior Member

since 2007-01-31

Posts 38

2 posted 2007-03-30 06:53 PM

Yep what? It needs a lot of revisions, but I can't seem to put my finger on just what.. An outside opinion would be nice.

madscroach
New Member

since 2007-03-31

Posts 3

3 posted 2007-03-31 12:21 PM

I think your poem would work very well as a song - I really like it...

TyroStar
Junior Member

since 2007-01-31

Posts 38

4 posted 2007-03-31 12:54 PM

Thanks. [: I wrote a song once.. didn't turn out too well. If only I knew how to sing. Hm.. :p

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

5 posted 2007-03-31 02:14 AM

well, the last stanza seems too forced. the rest is pretty cool. the second stanza needs a rhyme in the second line (something to rhyme with the last line) find words that rhyme with leans, and try to fit them in until you come up with something...

TyroStar
Junior Member

since 2007-01-31

Posts 38

6 posted 2007-03-31 09:35 PM

I was trying to write it sort of like, abcb-efeg format. If I was to change that stanza, would it also require a re-write of the fourth? As that's in the same efeg format.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

7 posted 2007-04-02 11:17 PM

I wouldnt show him unless you want to get rid of him...

HOWEVER: I was pushed away by the title at first, but particularly enjoyed this piece. Second stanza was my favorite.

Regards!

-Paul

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

8 posted 2007-04-03 03:48 AM

why would enlightening me to an otherwise obvious technique 'get rid of me'? i am actually interested in this "strange new way of writing a poem"...i may learn something...

abcb efeg

as i can not figure out for myself how to understand this, could someone give me a brief explanation, so i am not constantly monster-stepping my ignorance all over everyone in here?

i apologize for any error i may have made in my comment to tyrostar, but i think my only error is lack of mechanical knowledge, which is what i am here to fix...

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

9 posted 2007-04-04 07:51 PM

My biggest problem here is distance. I don't see anybody. It's a poem about a poem about angst filled love.

Do you see my point?

TyroStar
Junior Member

since 2007-01-31

Posts 38

10 posted 2007-04-04 09:24 PM

Not really. I get the last part, but what do you mean distance?

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.