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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Bottom. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. 
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(This one needs a lot of help.) A leap A push, rather. Blackness whirling past, A passage from one world to another. The aliens hover all around, inspecting you while you’re Floating slower and slower towards the floor. Spheres of luminescence travel from your mouth into the atmosphere, A gurgle, you cannot breathe here. The only ones who will tend to your wounds, Are the clawed, and stalk-eyed locals. Thump, The bottom. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved | |||
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
A couple things that I didn't like, "The aliens hover all around, inspecting you while you're Floating slower and slower towards the floor." This is the only stanza in which both lines flow together as one idea. I would change the first line a bit near the end. If you're instant on rhyme, something like, "The aliens hover all around, inspecting you while you drop Floating further and further from the top." just an idea. Also, it bothered me that the end line contained the only onomatopoeia in the piece. If you could somehow incorporate one in the small first lines, I think it would better. I love the idea of this poem though, and the symbolism is clear, while still containing some complexity, which is a great aspect of the piece as a whole. |
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minus Member
since 2007-03-24
Posts 75 |
i like what happens between the push and the thump--rather, i like what is going to happen...my only advice is to chop things up. if your mind catches on something, meditate on it, and systematically create variations. thesaurus every word. focus on every detail of the fall... |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Thanks, I think I might make this a rhyming piece. It's been ages since I've written one... Regards, -Paul |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Once you do, please post the re-write. I'm anxious to read it. (: |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
A leap A push, rather. Blackness whirling past, A passage from one world to another. The aliens hover all around, inspecting you here, Floating slower and slower towards the floor. Spheres of luminescence pass from your mouth into the atmosphere, A gurgle, life seems like a slowly closing door. The only ones who will tend to your wounds, Are the clawed and stalk-eyed locals. They begin to pinch at your skin, Fixing their hunger while listening to your bubbling vocals. Thump: The bottom. Yes, this needs a tremendous amount of work... but I'd enjoy the help on it. My mind is slowly exploding right now. Thanks in advance to anyone who lends a helping hand to the slowly-combusting-guy. -Paul |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Nothing? -Paul |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
I have nothing bad to say about it.. the thump seems more fitting with the : somehow.. |
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cypressmoon New Member
since 2007-04-02
Posts 7 |
Hey there viking. I had a hard time understanding this one. Perhaps this will help you out. A leap A push, rather. This really doesn't mean anything. Where are you pushing from? Where are you going? Blackness whirling past, A passage from one world to another. ok. so someone is moving, but through something very vague and undefineable. The aliens hover all around, inspecting you while you’re Floating slower and slower towards the floor. I've been abducted? Perhaps you should change "you" to "he" or "I". It is still ver vague. It is too vague to even infer anything. I don't know where that floor is. Spheres of luminescence travel from your mouth into the atmosphere, A gurgle, you cannot breathe here. The only ones who will tend to your wounds, Are the clawed, and stalk-eyed locals. How did he get wounds? Stalk eyed is a nice image. Thump, The bottom. Maybe if you try to compose complete sentences to your poems you might find yourself penning in the necessary specificities that the reader needs to comprehend it. Have you been abducted? This I am interested in. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Tyro- Thanks. It wasn't intended to be understood until at least halfway through. Thank you for your detailed response, it will help while I keep editing it. Valedictions, -Paul |
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