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Critical Analysis #2
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Two Loves
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Two Loves |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA 
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Inspired by William Blake's "The Clod and the Pebble" Love is the way the forest grows Love is the green sprouting plants Love is the all-eating sundew Swallowing blue-flies and ants Love gives all and bleeds itself dry To free an entangled soul Love engulfs like a fallen star Fallen and falling and cold I love you so I die for you So that you may travel free I love you so I kill you so That none may love you but me |
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| © Copyright 2007 Joshua R. Tindell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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minus Member
since 2007-03-24
Posts 75 |
i like this better than 'the return'...some of the rhyme seems forced, but the last stanza really speaks...the repetition is well used too (i.e.--'fallen and falling and cold) |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Love is a slippery slope when it come to a subject for poetry. What hasn't been said? You may want to rewrite this using a metaphor for love rather than the thing itself. Dane |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
I'm not really writing a love poem per se, more a contrast/comparison between two definitions of love - the one that gives and the one that takes. As such, I thought to actually use the word "love" would be necessary - yes, I know that everybody and their brother and their dog has written poems about love - and as I noted in the brief note above the poem, I'm not really claiming much originality here either. Perhaps it was useless to post this poem - seeing that the same thing has for the most part been said before, but I wanted to zero in on the specific contrast between the two definitions. Perhaps I didn't really understand your critique, CS. If so, feel free to set me straight. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Okay I get what you are saying - You may want to think about your form. You devote 8 lines to the upside of love yet only 4 to the down. Is there a way that this piece could be chiasmatic where one side mirrors the other? What if you were to treat the rhyme scheme that way? That could be cool. I'm basically saying it's a good first draft. You need to flesh out the idea. Dane |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
Actually, I meant it to be just that kind of mirroring - I guess it doesn't speak well of my poetic talent (or lack of it) if that doesn't come across. The first two lines of each stanza were supposed to be about the self-giving self-sacrificing kind of love, and the second two about the self-seeking, in-turning kind. The sprouting plants, and growing forest on one side, and the predatory sundew on the other in the first stanza - self sacrifice vs. the collapse of a star into a black hole in the second, and so on. Guess I should clarify it some. |
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