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The Return
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Return |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA 
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Here's another one folks; Hint: if you have a hard time deciphering the imagery, think Shackleton. When the Boss cast off in his little boat; Crossing a galaxy of storm-stirred sea We stood on the pebbled beach, eyes straining Until the cloud hid him away from sight. So now we live here on this narrow shore, Beaten by storm gales, wet with the sea-spray -On this rock-bound coast, where no hearth flickers- A cold universe away from our home. But still we watch here, waiting for the ship Coming from between the mists of the sea, When over the rising rush of the waves - We shall hear the foghorns of the return. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Joshua R. Tindell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
Tear it up folks - tell me what you think about it. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Actually, this is pretty close. If you need to preface something with a line like, "if you can't understand the imagery..." you might think first about the nature of the imagery. Only a dolt, in this case, wouldn't get the imagery. If you're still worried, call the poem something subtle, like "Shakelton's Men." It needs a few very minor revisions. Read it out loud to yourself again, look at the extraneous words, and you'll get it. This is really one of the best pieces of work up at the moment. It actually has a theme, conscision, and captures, without irrelevant drama, a terrifying situation. Never apologize in advance, and don't apologize later, either. Jim |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
I wouldn't really want to call it Shackleton's Men, because it isn't about Shackleton. It's about the second coming, using imagery from the Shackleton story. I would have cut the "explanatory" phrase at the beginning, but the server won't let me change it right now. I was a bit surprised you found it terrifying - I didn't really intend for it to be that way - I was more seeking a feeling of wistful longing and hope. I guess I can't see which words need trimming - I've chewed on this one for a year and a half, so I've probably seen all I can see of it now. Feel free to point out the words that need cutting - I've taken it about as far as I can by myself. |
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