untitled (first post) - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

0 posted 2007-03-25 12:52 PM

hello, all...i thought i would introduce myself with this short piece. it is not the best or worst example of my labor; just an old poem i would enjoy having critiqued...thanks

i think the time has come
to abandon all reason,
but this is merely a product
of reasoning applied.

i saw a one-legged man today
and was surprised...

for a moment i lived his life
and a million smiles
as love slowly filtered from
the bottom of the stream.

what war.
what cancer.
who left me with one crutch
and one purple leg?

i can't possibly take the trash out like this.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

1 posted 2007-03-26 12:16 PM

Absolutely splendid! Excellent ending. I'm on vacation right now, so computer time is limited. I will give this a second run through when I return home.

Valedictions,

-Paul

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

2 posted 2007-03-26 01:26 PM

From what I can tell, Paul and I share a similair taste in verse. I, too, like this a lot. I am not crazy about S1:

quote:
i think the time has come
to abandon all reason,
but this is merely a product
of reasoning applied.

There is no reason to play with the "reason" angle. Just say what you are going to say. Don't try too hard or you'll find yourself using the same little tricks all the time. The things get boring.

HOWEVER, there is plenty of poetry in the everyday. This is a great example. The last line was perfect. That brought the whole picture into focus.

Keep writing.

Dane

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

3 posted 2007-03-27 12:17 PM

cool...thanks...

cs: i left the first stanza regarding reason because the last line ends up rhyming with the end of the second stanza

'...reasoning applied'

'...and was surprised'

i too wanted to cut it, but this incidental match made it necessary to keep--i could find no other alternative...(would it read the same without?)

thanks for the feedback

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

4 posted 2007-03-27 06:34 PM

Hi -- You have to be your own first critic. If as you say, you "felt an impulse" to cut the first stanza, there was probably a reason you felt that impulse. It's often useful, though not necessarily easier, to cut something out rather than rationalize it in. Don't become attached to something just because it is there.

You're on the right track. Jim

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

5 posted 2007-03-27 10:27 PM

minus -

nice to meet you. i enjoyed this poem,
there were a few things bother me though.
some initial read thoughts -

i think the time has come
to abandon all reason,
but this is merely a product
of reasoning applied.

the near rhyme of applied and suprised,
i do not think is enough to keep this
opening strophe. you know, avoid whenever
possible tell, particularly as an open.

i saw a one-legged man today
and was surprised...

much better opening; a far better hook.

for a moment i lived his life (-)

and a million smiles
as love slowly filtered from
the bottom of the stream.

what war.
what cancer.

i can't help but feel cheated here.
you say - i lived his life. then why not dig
into the details. what war? what cancer?
valid questions as are the rest.
i understand that abstract is employed
in poems; this does not feel like one
of poems though.
serve it up, if only to honor the memory
of this fiction/non-fiction person.
platoon, apocalypse now, full metal jacket.
know what i mean?

who left me with one crutch
and one purple leg?

i can't possibly take the trash out like this.

very good close, love the purple leg
and the inability to perform the mundane.

hope this helps.

regards,

sampo

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

6 posted 2007-03-28 12:53 PM

ya, jim...i agree. i will meditate on it without the first stanza (or strophe?)...sampo seems to agree with this idea as well...

sampo, thanks... i appreciate such detailed criticism. it is good to see what someone else 'sees' or 'hears' or needs from the poem. the reason i did not continue with his life is that i do not know it, and the ability to create one is not my own yet...i write in bursts and collet what comes out. my attention span is not very focused. perhaps in the future i will pick this idea up and really play with it, but for now...

thanks, folks

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.