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tonytwotimes
New Member

since 2007-03-22

Posts 8
Ohio

0 posted 2007-03-23 04:53 PM

First I'd like to say hello to all. This seems to be a great site to take part in. Also please give me any advice or suggestions you may have on my poems. I do need all the help I can get

Cincinnati Blues

I’ve ran through the corridors in cool Cincinnati,
Just in time for double crown blues.
Slept on the ground in my own fair “Burque”
Watching gold dessert fade into dusk.
I’ve dreamed in Atlanta’s drab smokers’ lounges,
Of another moment not too far away.
Run my fingers through El Paso’s sage curls,
Watching her sparkle concede to day.

Recklessly toward the next smoky city,
To conceal an anonymous fate.
Familiar though never so friendly,
Craving my overcast daze.

Fog in the morning over Jersey,
Daring to leave a trace.
Chicago held 17 degrees of freezing,
Cracked knuckles and burning lungs.
Rain greeted me dryly in New York’s tall alleys,
Vagrants all offered ripple to ease.
The suits were screaming in Houston,
Crushed hopes of a monetary God.

Chance rhythm in time with motion,
Moves this world with seamless grace.
Reality my soul contender,
Her pursuit always relentless.

Listened to the schisms in Salt Lake,
He begged her forgiveness on the phone.
Denver drained my mind and my money,
East Colfax was wild with sin.
New Orleans screamed with elemental vibrance,
But still left me empty inside.
Jeunos' skies shimmered with leftover heaven,
When the longest days receded again.

All an expression of something unseen,
Still felt each passing day.
Always lingering deep in my mind,
Uprooting my heart to find home and again.

[This message has been edited by tonytwotimes (03-23-2007 06:03 PM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-03-26 05:44 PM

I'd drop that last stanza.

I think you mean desert at least as long as 'Burque' is in New Mexico.

I don't know, this reads like an intro to a book of poems, one for each city.

Any plans like that?

tonytwotimes
New Member

since 2007-03-22

Posts 8
Ohio

2 posted 2007-03-27 04:34 PM

It was originally used as the closing piece for my high school lit mag. I've worked with it a lot since then but it always seems a little long winded to me. Now that I look at it I do think the last stanza could be cut out. I'd definitely like to shorten the whole thing.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

3 posted 2007-03-27 05:36 PM

I go with Brad. You can lose the last stanza, and I'd also recheck the punctuation to make sure a few of the commas aren't clouding the meaning. I have no idea of what the "double crown blues" are, but I love the sound of it. I'm assuming it's a reference to a beer or booze brand, in which case, I like it even more.

Jim

tonytwotimes
New Member

since 2007-03-22

Posts 8
Ohio

4 posted 2007-03-28 04:18 PM

Yeah, double shot of crown in a unknown city. Good way to meet friends, or feel totally alone.

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