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Revolver.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Revolver. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. 
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Be ruthless now, thats what this section is all about! Aches and pains. Flowing through my body, Pain secretes like semen. Friction of your skin and mine forms something beautiful: Hatred, at its purest. Pitch black pursues my thoughts, Tries to chase me downhill. I rip the revolver out of my pocket, And shoot it in the face. Boom. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
S1, L1: OK, so why should we care? L2: What makes this pain so unique? L3: Secreting like semen? How do you draw enough of a correlation between the two that would lead us to believe this is a worthwhile simile? L4: "Friction of skin"? Uncreative and bland. The same for, "something beautiful." L5: Why? S2, L1: "Pitch black," cliché. L3: "…rip…out of my pocket," somewhat cliché. Even though the lines in this stanza are probably the most useful of the entire piece, they can't stand alone. You need to look into some fresh metaphors and similes to build something compelling. "Boom?" Wow...quite underwhelming. Sid |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I apprecciate the critique. I will take all this into consideration while reworking this piece. Thank you, -Paul |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I think in an effort to be brief or concise, you may have thrown the baby out with the bath water. There is not enough substance to stand on. I get the baisc idea, but the "so-what" factor is very low. The whole S1 L3 thing is wierd. It seems that your knowledge of body mapping/function may be a little off. Or at least your description of it. Additionally, I think that you need to look into your punctuation. L4 you do not need the semicolon and l5 there is no reason for the comma after hatred. Also, if you have a comma you need to preface it with a prepositional phrase of follow it with a contraction. I believe that is the right terminology. I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong. Lastly, don't try too hard to be profound. That response comes when time, subject, and reader intersect perfectly, or even less than perfectly. It's just not something that can be forced, and it seems that you are wanting that "OMG, that's incredible" response before it's time. Keep swinging CS |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
In light that this is a "workshop" I will not defend myself in any means, even though I think much of what you say is wrong in certain lights, and right in certain lights. Commas put in a pause without adding a line... ...and I'm here to get better, not for "OMG's." Thank you for your time and reading, I will also take your thoughts into consideration when rewriting. thanks again, -Paul |
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minus Member
since 2007-03-24
Posts 75 |
again, you come close for my personal bias, though it seems you reach past the intended gut-punch/image/sentiment ..........pain secretes like semen (so it is pleasureable, right?) or ............hatred, at its purest kind of like a young henry rollins reading three random lines from howl on the wall of a bathroom he has to clean nightly... i can say no more |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
So as a general rule, everyone thinks this poem is an idiotic piece of garbage. Right then. I'll get straight away to not caring about it anymore. Poem is about brushing into someones arm, someone that I... well, hate. She was rather gloriously good-looking though. Those ones usually are. Heh. More of a journal entry than anything, my mistake for having posted it here. I'm by no means offended, just shouldn't have posted it at all, haha. Sorry everybody, -Paul |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I would not encourage you to aplogize. The piece means something to you. We just aren't in the same mindset. I've written some really amazing stuff before.....at least that's what I think. (you get the idea). Some of your more recent work has been brilliant. So a little sunshine on your face! Dane |
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minus Member
since 2007-03-24
Posts 75 |
an idiotic piece of garbage? no... if i thought that, i would have said so...such brutality is oft' not necessary...please forgive the way i spin phrases...i mean no disrespect (and you did say 'be ruthless') besides, in the future, i too will post words that the invisible collective will no doubt find tasteless and droll...i hope you are the first to tell me so... |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Ah, you take your lumps and gets on with it. This particular one is a turkey and not up to your standards or potential. Just a thought: Let your work "sit" for a few weeks, then look at it again. Apply "sniff test." You've got a good enough sniffer. Jim |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Jim: That's exactly what I meant. No offense taken, this just wasn't an appropriate poem to have posted at all. I'm not hurt in any way, haha. valedictions, -paul |
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