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Critical Analysis #2

Cry Now For The Weakest

jak
Member

since 2007-03-14

Posts 85
Charlotte, NC

0 posted 2007-03-18 01:25 PM

I feel torn with this piece. I like it, but it feels like its calling for more. Its at that place, for me, where it works with its length, but I feel I could add much more. At the same time I don't want to spoil what is there already. Maybe I am over thinking it. Let me know your thoughts please.

Standing on your future
Afraid to step away
Drifting from believers
Toward men ready to stray

My words, they do not waver
They root deep towards death
My heart does me a favor
Lifting truth within each breath

Cry now for the weakest
Of the worlds
Within your path

Weep for those who waver
Bending sorrow
Southward fast

Christen those with faith
In a pain
That brings fast light

Listen to the bravest
Of the souls
Within your sight

Jak
Argonaut - My Poetry Blog

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-03-23 06:38 PM

I would drop the rhyme scheme and let the thoughts find their own force first.

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

2 posted 2007-03-25 12:24 PM

ya, what he said...the rhyme can not happen all the time, or it just tastes like lime-spiked turpentine...

i like the four-line stanzas collapsing into three-line stanzas--a great example of your thought process...if you must add more, give light to a coherent idea/feeling/image...

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