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neoprose
New Member

since 2007-03-17

Posts 6
NSW, Australia

0 posted 2007-03-17 04:29 AM

Contemplating to breathe;
the air: riddled,
thick and exposed.

A metronome ticks,
sways
and is enveloped
by the distance
as a horizon settles dimly.

Contemplation into confusion
as I am; thoughtful
in a hollow mind,
sweeping heat;
soaking a taunt memory;
cascading the moment
into cool puddles
and diluted reflections.

The metronome opens.
Spills out myself…

A wink of light rises,
gracefully
and dances
over pondering limits…

An agonising reach
pulls from inside,
chaotic as it is serene.
I lurch out of my body,
enraged; streaking patterns of yesterdays ruin.
From my persona; some person, all anew
with the rise and fall
as the metronome ticks shut.

It is, as it always will be:
a glorifying silence; no
subliminal movements
on the crest of my mind.
This bleaching beauty that no light dare cross,
an impulse seems hungry-
the moment is over
as I lay breathless within a blink.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-03-22 08:06 PM

What are you doing with your punctuation?

I could almost get into this one, but I suspect you need more description and let the words do the running, you keep trying to stop them.

neoprose
New Member

since 2007-03-17

Posts 6
NSW, Australia

2 posted 2007-03-22 09:30 PM

Yeah, sure thing... I know what i'm doing with the punctuation: controlling the direction of the poem. I feel that there is enough descriptions, if you can't get into it there is a lapse on your end; everyone else can get into it. I can't see why you can't use your imagination and discover something yourself. Poetry is sometimes about subtlety, maybe you don't get into those types of poems.
Thank you for your opinion.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2007-03-23 04:18 AM

In other words, you can't find the write words.

What is it about?

Your response talks about other people's reactions and says nothing about the poem. If you're so confident, why not tell me what you were trying to do?

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

4 posted 2007-03-23 05:43 AM

neo -

far too buried in abstraction. line-breaks are
haphazard. punctuation problems do somewhat
interfere, but for me it is lack of focus
and not enough elements to engage the reader
which really needs work, imo.

telling readers there is a lapse on their end
will not get you many more comments. don't be
so defensive. your poetry does not back up
your arrogance. ( imo, of course )

regards,

sampo.

[This message has been edited by sampo (03-23-2007 06:25 AM).]

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

5 posted 2007-03-23 12:01 PM

What is this about? It seems to me like some sort or free association. I'm all about different and new forms, but I don't see anything to hang your hat on in this one. Try being less profound and work on something concrete.

quote:
I want pure honesty: what you felt and what your opinion is. Be as harsh as you want; I will appreciate all comments.

Is anything other than "pure' honesty truly honest?

neoprose
New Member

since 2007-03-17

Posts 6
NSW, Australia

6 posted 2007-03-23 06:58 PM

That's all nice and good to say. The poem isn't really that hard to understand. It is about the confusion inside my mind when I try to think. All the scattered thoughs and hesitations. That is why it seems abstract, because that is what the human mind is. If I were to make this concrete it would ruin the merit. A concrete meter is for a concrete context. This simply isn't. I'm not being a toss here but all I have done it contextualised it.
Gee. As soon as someone throws something a little un-orthodox in the air someone pulls back the trigger...

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

7 posted 2007-03-23 11:07 PM

Hey, you did post it here (in CA) presumably asking for opinions. Well, you got some.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

8 posted 2007-03-24 01:16 AM

Is unorthodox another word for bad?

Actually, I think you missed the point. Punctuation is a tool and it can be overused like anything else. Presumably, you're shooting for a reverse stream of consciousness? That's form, not content.

And still, you haven't answered the question:

What is it about?

But c'mon let's get things out in the open. What specifically were you trying to do with each use of the semi-colon for example.

My guess is representational pauses, a spectrum of moments if you will.

And that is very, very orthodox.

I do hope both of us have the time to get into the nitty gritty details here.

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

9 posted 2007-03-25 12:33 PM

second stanza:

try 'as horizons settle dimly' (?)

everything else is yours...the punctuation...the form...the focus...

i enjoy poems with no single focus, but each line must maintain its own identity...or the entire poem should at least make me want to read it again--not to edit, but to savor.

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