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Critical Analysis #2

Sunset's Lover

Wicced_Witch
Member

since 2000-02-06

Posts 110
Clarksville, TN, USA

0 posted 2006-07-05 12:25 PM

Sweetly, softly, she touches.
Under the gods' guidance.
Navigating the heavens.
Starting a daily trance.
Ever so slowly lowering.
Tapestry of clouds now above.
Slightly colored by passion's cries.

Lustful reds bled from love,
Oranges fading with the moment's passing,
Violets come with sweet release,
Exploding into darkness of night.
Repeating again day after day.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-01-07 05:30 PM

This has a lot of potential. Two things that bother me:

1. It reads like a here and now poem. Almost as if she sat and wrote this down as she watched the sun disappear. Is there value in such an approach or does it distract from the imagery itself?

2. I like the use of color but the line break seems to control the poem rather than the poet controlling the line break. Are they an attempt to, I don't know, represent the rays of the sun?

ashlbee_86
New Member

since 2007-01-24

Posts 9
Michigan, USA

2 posted 2007-01-24 02:46 AM

I really like this poem, it a new way to look at a sunset, to me at least. I like the sexual overtones, its very interesting.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

3 posted 2007-02-02 07:24 PM

I agree, this is a gigantic iceberg of potential. Consider this:

1. It might be a little too full of abstractions. If not for the title I'd be confused beyon all reason, ha!

2. Expand vocabulary on the colors? as an exapmle (nothing to do with your poem) instead of someone writing reddish brown, they could write "sky brazed auburn"

Just a small critique, nothing too mindblowing. Have a wonderful evening, this poem has a lot of potential!!

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

4 posted 2007-03-24 11:08 PM

my problem is all the periods (.) used in the first few lines...makes it feel like learning how to drive a standard transmission on pike's peak...

all in all, i agree with the panel--full of potential and warmth

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