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neoprose
New Member

since 2007-03-17

Posts 6
NSW, Australia

0 posted 2007-03-17 04:27 AM

If you believe in something
then you have something to follow.
If you believe in yourself
you will always have a following.
If you believe in nothing...
Nothing can save you.

With his last breath
he opened one eye
to see a dove, perched on his shoulder,
gazing into his fearful eye;
watching the man- his empty cry.

A sparkling snowflake brushed past
the dove’s slivery down
and melted
from the man’s salty regrets.

They shared an empty moment
under that willow tree.
It was the last day
of Winter’s hostility...

As the last breath faded
the dove shed a single silvery feather,
which preserved
the memory of
that last snowflake;
as it settled...

The man became,
then and forever:
(just a figure,
swaying under the unreachable branch of the willow tree)

free...

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

1 posted 2007-03-17 04:52 AM

neoprose -

i'm in NSW myself.
it is rare that i happen across
a local in these forums.

i really liked these images -

It was the last day
of Winter’s hostility...

swaying under the unreachable
branch of the willow tree

i think you can drop the first strophe.
also, the snowflake/dove thing not really
working for me, it is somewhat worn.

needs a stronger metaphor,
maybe some personal details
to show us why this man
is plagued with regret, culminating
in his suicide?

definitely worth working on.

regards,

sampo.

neoprose
New Member

since 2007-03-17

Posts 6
NSW, Australia

2 posted 2007-03-17 10:02 AM

Thanks but I don't really feel that giving additional information about the protagonist would be very effective. That is hidden for personal interpritation; you have to imagine what sorrow would cause that, try grasping it from your own experience. Also I appreciate your view of the metaphors but I feel that they aren't worn in this context. The run together and become a characterisation with the narrative.

ken_wertz
New Member

since 2007-03-22

Posts 6

3 posted 2007-03-22 08:56 AM

I really liked the dove being introduced, as an angel figure I suppose, and for me I'd love a (hint) of why he is so agonized. Great images.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 2007-03-23 04:41 PM

But the metaphor is worn. That's not an opinion. It simply is. Have you ever seen "Mars Attacks"?

The beginning strophe is silly. Drop it and you might have a variation on "The Happy Prince" -- maybe work with that.

Like 'it was all a dream' endings ended with Lewis Carroll, hangings ended with Ambrose Bierce.

tonytwotimes
New Member

since 2007-03-22

Posts 8
Ohio

5 posted 2007-03-23 05:15 PM

I have to agree that the opening strophe did not set well with me. I just didn't like it at all but feel that it alone could be worked into an entirely different piece. I also agree that the whole dove thing is a little overplayed. Maybe using a different object thats related to his grief? Something that symbolizes why he's given to suicide.

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