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Critical Analysis #2

The Forgiving Grass.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

0 posted 2007-03-13 10:53 PM

When walking on the over watered grass,
You notice the way
That if you walk gently, -slowly-

The sodden turf
Forgives you
And doesn’t try to steal your shoes.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

1 posted 2007-03-14 01:43 PM

Brilliant.

You may want to put "slowly" in its own line.

CS

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

2 posted 2007-03-14 05:56 PM

Thank you. It really can't possibly be so brilliant as to only have one suggestion?

-Paul

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2007-03-25 07:05 PM

A good one. Uh, you need a hyphen, over-watered.

W. C. Williams is often reviled, but this is a splendid example of what can be done if you follow his prose-like style.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

4 posted 2007-03-26 12:12 PM

I love W.C.W., he's a favorite of mine.

Haha, how very novice of me to not put in the hyphen.

Thanks for the comment!

Valedictions,

-Paul

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

5 posted 2007-03-26 12:59 PM

Paul-

sorry for lack of critique, but it reminds me of a tale of Mozart. Mozart played an Opera for a king and afterwards the king said" it was fine, but there were too many notes. Take a few of them out and it will be perfect."

Mozart replied," there were neither too few or too many notes. There were just enough."

For me, your piece was just enough. Well written.

Dane

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