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SilentLady
New Member

since 2007-03-02

Posts 4
California, USA

0 posted 2007-03-02 05:40 PM

Every birthday is the same,
he wakes up
with a hopeful smile on his face--
dad's coming today-- only to be disapointed
by the end of the day

He didn't care
for a measly little cake,
even if it had ten candles in it.
But today, he decided,
was going to be different
because the longing for his father fades away

Now he sits by the kitchen table
with the candles blown out
and an opened gift on his lap.
A photograph in a wooden fram--his father,
holding a blue balloon with with the number six
on one hand while he holds his son on the other.
His warm smile brings him back to that last day
and he laughs in remembrance.

He looks up at his mother
across the kitchen table.
She smiles, reassuring him
that everything will be okay
and for the first time since the photograph,
he believed it.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

1 posted 2007-03-02 06:24 PM

First- Good. Nice imagery and message. I like the fact that you didn't try to go way over the top on your first offering.

A few general comments (nothing major yet): Last line of S1 I would cut completely. You have said what you needed there.

S2 could be shortened or elimenated. Doesn't offer anything that could not be done with out.

S3 L4-I think- "frame" - we shouldn't have to fix typo's

Flesh out the last stanza. I want to know more why he believe that everything is okay. What about his mother makes him feel that way.

CS

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

2 posted 2007-03-14 05:05 PM

I think it's absolutely fine as it is. I love the way it tells a story that's very short, in a nice readable-length poem. Clear images, this poem managed to get a good amount of happiness out of me at the end. Happiness is the hardest emotion to draw out of a readers soul. Excellent work my friend!

Valedictions,

-Paul

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2007-03-26 05:50 PM

It's 'disappointed'.

I'd drop some of the telling. This is a great rough draft, but it needs a lot of polishing. How much time do you want to spend on this?

I think it's worth the time.

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