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sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

0 posted 2007-03-08 07:01 PM

The nicoline eye of dusk
winks at me, before he slides
beneath the horizon
to stir inverted neighbours.

His pale sister is missing.

Instead, fruitbats drag a grey tent
overhead as gamboge grass leans
back to bathe in flowing auburn veins.

In the morning my lawn will awaken
with lime-green freckles.

The porchlight creates a silhouette
of the willow tree dancing before me.

Her myriad arms wrap around
her body as she follows the whims
of her invisible choreographer.

The night blooms with applause,
launching electric fireworks
and rumbling for an encore...

My smoke hisses in the garden
as I close the front door.

I pray there won't be a black-out.
Metropolis is playing on Movie Greats.

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

1 posted 2007-03-08 08:42 PM

I know that "fluff" posts are generally looked down upon here, but I genuinely enjoyed this piece. Excellent imagery. Couldn't have summed up a sunset better myself. Nice title too.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2007-03-10 01:05 PM

This is good took me awhile but really good. I liked the imagery. I liked the description alot. But I didnt understand the last bit

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

3 posted 2007-03-21 04:12 PM

thanks for the replies.

yep, borderline fluff, though was hoping
my take on this reasonably worn imagry would
elevate it above that. also, the cynical
commentary twist at the end hopefully makes
it nearly original.

thanks again,

sampo.

ken_wertz
New Member

since 2007-03-22

Posts 6

4 posted 2007-03-22 09:02 AM

..fruitbats drag a grey tent...

great.

tonytwotimes
New Member

since 2007-03-22

Posts 8
Ohio

5 posted 2007-03-23 04:41 PM

I think this is a great poem as well. I can really see everything that your trying to convey in vivid detail (though an overactive imagination could be the culprit at work) I'm not sure I like the part "My smoke hisses in the garden as I close the front door." I just didn't think it fit because of my high expectations of the imagery of this piece by the end. I expected more because of all the great stuff above it. However the last lines were more than enough to get me passed that.

tonytwotimes
New Member

since 2007-03-22

Posts 8
Ohio

6 posted 2007-03-23 04:42 PM

P.S,
What does "nicoline" mean?

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

7 posted 2007-03-24 01:04 PM

Niccoline made me thing of either really red eyes or black as coal spots.

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

8 posted 2007-03-24 02:11 PM

thanks for the comments -

tony - appreciate you pointing out
that line not working for you.
will give it some thought.

as to the nicoline -

Chaenomeles x superba 'Nicoline' -
A low growing, dense shrub.
Many Scarlet flowers during spring
followed by yellow fruit.

not a very common word, i know,
but i think the nicotine-like sound
ties in abstractly to the smoking
reference later. least that's what
i'm hoping.

thanks again.

regards,

sampo.

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