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A home without a wall, |
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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Forever Alone |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
This is really personal and emotional but I really want to work this into a better form. And make it better with meter. Running out of escape routes. Each way I try is blocked. Failure just deepens my mood. Way too far I’ve walked. Empty fields of desperation bloom at random. Every tactic I attempt, just fails to succeed. Instead, flowers of despair pop up with abandon My hungry heart won’t take what I feed. All the intersections turn to a dead end. My pathways have been extinguished. Creating wounds that may not mend. My friends ignore me, what is it I did? The people who I used to laugh with, Have turned. No longer do they turn to me. Divided up into a group, and I guess I didn’t fit. I don’t know who they want me to be. If I try to rekindle the friendship, I get nowhere. They drive me away in all the small ways that hurt. Given up on Karma, getting them back, I don’t care. I have to be a certain person for them. But who did they meet, me or her? I think they thought I was someone else. An actress without a script. I didn’t pretend, I tried stay strong. I watched the tinder accumulate. Perhaps I struck the match. I can’t kid myself; maybe I might have saved it. All I know is, I’m left alone. They notice. It’s my payback or maybe just fate. Running out of options, dangling on a string. All I can do is wait till I can go home. Wish I could fly, but I ain’t got no wings. Clipped when I lost my friends, I’m alone. |
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| © Copyright 2007 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ken_wertz New Member
since 2007-03-22
Posts 6 |
I like this poem despite the meter, and I really think that the rhyming scheme is forced. You can definately feel your pain here though. Nice write. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Rhia- Not bad. I think that it gets better towards the middle and then lacks a bit towards the end. I like the thought of duality in personalities you show to differing people. You have a nice start here, but I think the form is killing you. What is the form that you are going for? Could you pair it back a bit maybe to a 4 stanza syllabic verse. You may be able to cut the fat by choosing a different form. But please let that not take away from the fact that I do like this one. Have a good weekend, we'll talk at you later, Dane |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I am glad you liked I do want to make it less forced. I agree the rhyming is forced.I wonder if it would work in free verse. Considering I have two poems being worked on in CA , is it too soon to post this other poem I wrote? What do you think? I want to post it but i want to work on these too. suggestions? |
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