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deadly_love
New Member

since 2007-02-26

Posts 1

0 posted 2007-02-26 07:54 PM

Love?
What is this great affection of the heart
but an infection of the senses
A blurring of the thoughts
Smudging the line between love and lust
What is that burning of the heart
but a murder of common sense.
People love this love.
Yet I find no atraction in betrayal.
The young feel a strong desire
The elderly, a calming of the soul
What is this intense appreciation
of emotion and personality
Except a want of satisfaction.
A lonly heart
Cannot comprehend this deep
saught after
loving
love.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

1 posted 2007-02-26 08:33 PM

Some of the lines here did not make sense. For instance L5 suggests that you're smudging the line between love and lust, but the four lines before it, that you are suggesting it doesn't exist at all?

"What is that" in L6 does not match L2, both should be "this." Neither should be "that"

L8 put the second love in quotation marks.

L9 seems a bit out of place. Rework it or remove it completely perhaps?

L10 and L11 are my favorite lines in the poem.

L14 change "a want of" to "a want for" if not take want out and change to desire, want sounds very pedestrian in terms of poetry.

L15 Seriously, a typo? This is critical analysis.

L16 through the end, the last two are understandable, but "cannot comprehend this deep" could definetly use some work.

Overall: An often used concept for a poem, I must have read at least 15 of these anti-love poems, or at least portraying love ina bad light poems.

Work on vocab, and depth. This seems an awful lot like a first draft.

I loved L10 and L11. This poem will improve with time.

Good luck and keep writing,

-Paul

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

2 posted 2007-03-02 11:27 PM

Not even close. "Love?" is a useless first line. "affection" could be "affliction" given poem's context. Trying to cover the nature of love from youth through gerontology in a few lines is a fool's game (meant metaphorically, not personally.) It can be done, though. Look up J. V. Cunningham (a pseudonym for a black-listed script writer). He gets to the gist in four lines.

You seem to be gifted and wise, but good poetry is not knocked off in a few minutes.

Look hard at what you have written after you think you are done. That's where the art starts.

Hang in.

Jim

tonytwotimes
New Member

since 2007-03-22

Posts 8
Ohio

3 posted 2007-03-23 04:25 PM

I think that most poetry dealing with love needs to be very powerful to make much of an impact. Theirs a million love poems out their about most every heartache and adulation but very few hit the mark.(At least for me.) Their wasn't any one verse or word that really struck me or pulled at my own heart. My only question is of the title, Amour. If this is a poem about some illicit relationship or affair then I think you should make that more clear to the reader. If not however, maybe the title should be changed as well.

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

4 posted 2007-03-24 10:28 PM

i dunno...is the poem trying to turn its nose at the romanticism of story book love? does it scoff at the very idea of the EMOTION existing as more than brain chemistry?...it does not really speak of someone hurt by such a word...it is almost a casual list of what love may or may not be depending on who you are and why...

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