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viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

0 posted 2007-03-04 10:16 PM

I take hold of you,
The intangerine, in both hands
And take a deep bite.

Tastes like happiness.
Tastes like female.
Like I imagine you would taste,
If you were feeling quite citrus.

Losing my train of thought,
It carves through paths of flesh like broken glass.
Making new veins,
My arms grow tepid again.

Cracking my neck,
I become a tree.
Full of leaves,
And full of life.

I live.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

1 posted 2007-03-05 05:05 PM

Hi. First two stanzas are great and complete. When you write "losing my train of thought," you do. "If you were feeling like citrus." is absolutely killer! How much do you want for that one? What Pop of surprise!

Jim

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

2 posted 2007-03-05 09:16 PM

good point.

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

3 posted 2007-03-07 12:46 PM

poem starts out well.
very original, i like.

I take hold of you,
The intangerine, in both hands
And take a deep bite.

(Tastes like happiness.)
i would drop this line
and focus on the feminine.

Tastes like female.
Like I imagine you would taste,
If you were feeling quite citrus.

that's all good stuff.
from here, it kinda veers off.

(Losing my train of thought,)
tad too worn for my liking.

(It carves through paths of flesh like broken glass.)

this image is okay, but how does
this link back to your citrus image?

(Making new veins,
My arms grow tepid again.)

same here.

( Cracking my neck,
I become a tree.
Full of leaves,
And full of life.

I live. )

i like the idea here, it ties
back into your initial metaphor.
perhaps you can cut the middle
section and work on a more cohesive
link between these two thoughts.

regards,

sampo.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

4 posted 2007-03-07 04:19 PM

I lopped off everything after the citrus line. The rest is pointless and I just hadn't looked at it in a long while.

Valedictions,

-Paul

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

5 posted 2007-03-24 10:52 PM

viking metal...what, like a steel ax...? or the kind with synths and lots o' make-up...(i jest...)

my only advice would be to lose the word 'quite' before citrus...

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

6 posted 2007-03-26 12:24 PM

Both. Plus I have viking heritage, and I compete in strongman.

Not many people get more nordic than that. Haha!

That is a valid suggestion, but I feel like I enjoy it more with quite. Thank you though!

Valedictions,

-Paul

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

7 posted 2007-03-26 01:33 PM

S1 and 2 are completely spot on. Is there a way that you can keep the tree idea and pair it with the citrus deal. Oranges come from trees. I'm not sure there, but this one is worth fiddiling with.

Dane

minus
Member

since 2007-03-24

Posts 75

8 posted 2007-03-27 12:20 PM

strongman...excellent...

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