Remarks on a Piece of Paper (ode to a piece of paper) working title

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ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

0 posted 2007-02-20 06:44 PM

I've oftern laid my sorrow on you,
my dear friend, and for that I'm sorry.
For weight you have long beared is
not only mine, but those before
who learned after time and trial that
they need you, needed to invent something
so they, too, could be invented, to form something
that they could form.

So they found you - wet and laid to dry;
a baptism of sorts giving way to floods
of anger, and innovation, and finality.

What gravity is collected around my pencil tip
as words flow out as nearly a liquid
onto your surface. But do you repel or
absorb what I write? Do you bring
words to bear only when I have need;
like a subject, still, only under they eyes of the painter?
Or stand with with me, my pedegogos,
holding my words as your own
tatooed on your eraseable surface.

Someday I'll line you up
with friends on either side wher you'll sit
and commentate on the passers by, or
lack thereof, rationalizing the fickleness of humans.
Times have changed,
sorrows need no more a landing place
than a forgetting place
and hands that shook as they wrote
now have no time to dust.

[This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (02-21-2007 12:34 AM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-02-26 05:20 PM

Why do I get the feeling that this is a rushed first draft?

My biggest sticking point (besides the diction) has got to be that paper as friend simply does not work for me. On the other hand, what about recycled paper?

One of the things I've been planning to do is play around with the palimpsest thing and see where that goes, why don't you take a shot at it?

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

2 posted 2007-02-27 11:01 AM

Brad-

Thanks for the read.

What about it makes you feel that it was rushed?

Honestly, it did come out all at once. I didn't have to mull over what I was trying to say for all that long; unlike some of the revisions I've been working on. The idea came from the poetry workshop at guardian books (if you remember Jennifer Maxwell got shortlisted a few months ago for a wonderful piece).

All keys to the puzzle. I appreciate your consistant critique and help.

Dane

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

3 posted 2007-02-28 01:07 AM

Hi CS. There are lines and thoughts in this that I really like. The idea about needing to invent something so that the writer could be invented is very intriguing. Your lines about sorrows no long needing a landing place or a forgetting place really struck a chord and gave me a something think about.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

4 posted 2007-02-28 10:58 AM

Thank you Jennifer

that means a lot coming from you.

CS

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

5 posted 2007-02-28 04:05 PM

Brad-

I'm sorry to double post, but why doesn't the idea of paper as a friend work for you? At times its been my closest friend and most honest confidant. Is the same not true for you?

CS

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

6 posted 2007-03-02 11:35 AM

CS- I'm kinda with brad here- paper as a friend doesn't really work for me, either. The first stanza is okay, but when you are obviously talking to a piece of paper,

'But do you repel or
absorb what I write?'

I dunno, I find it a little hokey? But I do like:

'tatooed on your eraseable surface.'

Because I find the idea of tattooing words on a friend intriguing... or even just the idea of actually writing on another person. There's this movie, the Pillowbook, where the main character is obsessed with painting words on others' bodies as a form of art... it comes of as kind of pretentious, but interesting.

'Someday I'll line you up
with friends on either side wher you'll sit
and commentate on the passers by, or
lack thereof, rationalizing the fickleness of humans.'

Like this... I just find the visual image of poems written on paper chillin on the street watching people pass by to be ridiculous. I know you mean more than that, but on an aesthetic level, I can't get past it.

The parts I really did like were:

'So they found you - wet and laid to dry;
a baptism of sorts giving way to floods
of anger, and innovation, and finality.'

Beautiful imagery, and once again, no obvious 'paper' imagery.

'Times have changed,
sorrows need no more a landing place
than a forgetting place
and hands that shook as they wrote
now have no time to dust.'

I really like this too- I'm not sure what you meant about not having time to dust (Like, literally, dusting the furniture? Or collecting dust?) But I think it has a really good flow and works well as an ending.

Oh, btw, fix 'oftern' in the first line.

Hope this helped.

Aurelian
Member

since 2007-03-20

Posts 109
TX, USA

7 posted 2007-04-03 12:28 PM

I'll have to disagree with some of the comments here - I think the device of speaking from the paper's point of view is a good one. My problem is that this point of view (as I see it) is more a playful one, but your treatment of it is, at times, a bit too sober and plodding. The psychic shifts between the more playful and the more sober points of view are a little jarring. I also don't see how paper is a "paidigogos." The paidigogos (as I'm sure you already know) was a slave designated to be a teacher/mentor during the classical era. I guess I don't see how paper is a teacher - a slave perhaps, but I miss the teacher part. Also, shouldn't the word be "borne" rather than "beared" in line three? - Nice write.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

8 posted 2007-04-04 08:18 PM

I think it was Julia Kristeva who said somewhere that if a man's voice is black on white paper, a woman's is white on white.

I thought that was pretty stupid.

Friends talk back, they are unique, and if they talk long enough, they have something to give back.

I have problems with my friends, any of my friends, being called a 'blank slate' (and I hope that makes my meaning clearer).

On the other hand, what about using Japanese paper. I see a lot of opportunities there.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

9 posted 2007-04-07 11:02 PM

Thanks for the comments friends.

The idea of pedegogos is an interesting one.

The word translates as "one who walks beside." While it may be defined as a slave - I tend to think of it the way it was used in the Bible. One who walks with you and teaches you. There are times when we are in full control of what we write. We fight and argue with words and bend them to our will. Other times what comes out of pens shock and frighten us. There are times I don't realize how I feel until I've completed the ride at the end of my writing utensil.

That being said, will we learn from our teacher or not. And if we do, how do we repay our teacher? Do we just put it up on the shelf, or keep it close? That's the reason for the writing. Thanks for the discussion.

Dane

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