»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Ice tree
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Ice tree |
|
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I remember Jamie in the February with winter still full on her lips. She planted a seed in that place where my trust for her lie and it grew with a killer efficiency into an ice tree that bloomed distorted memories of what I once thought remembered. And when I had pruned my unwanted soul foliage to a manageable state, I was forced to remember Jaime in the fall where instead of dying, thoughts grew again blooming full until it was too late and the winter came again to kill what it had previously grown. I still wonder how I can amass this teenage angst when I’m 26. I insert her face into cars that pass on the highway. Singing with the radio and forgetting me all together. cs And a song that I was writing is left undone. I don't know why I spend my time writing songs I can't believe with words that tear and strain to rhyme. -Paul Simon |
||
| © Copyright 2007 Dane Barner - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
fanatic-flyer Junior Member
since 2007-02-07
Posts 26Bournemouth |
ooooh cool Thanks for everything, because everything makes the world happy =) |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like this but it definitely needs some, er, pruning. 'I remember Jamie in the February with winter still full on her lips.' Any reason for 'the' February? I think it would work better with 'the' cut. Other than that, I think this is a really good way to open. 'She planted a seed in that place where my trust for her lie and it grew with a killer efficiency into an ice tree that bloomed' I like this 'distorted memories of what I once thought remembered.' this seems clunky- the tree blooms memories that you once thought you remembered? Just seems like something that might have sounded good at the time, but to me doesn't work on paper. 'And when I had pruned my unwanted soul foliage to a manageable state,' Soul foliage? Dude... no. You take a bunch of interesting images/ideas and put that in the middle... just say unwanted foliage- you already made it clear that the tree is a metaphor. 'I was forced to remember Jaime in the fall where instead of dying, thoughts grew again blooming full until it was too late and the winter came again to kill what it had previously grown.' Jaime or Jamie? Also, do you mean instead of the tree dying? It seems like you meant Jamie. Or am I supposed to wonder? Also... if you are going to use the seasons... why would an ice tree die in fall? wouldn't it die in spring, when things get warm? I also had the impression, from the beginning, that it flourished in february, which also leads me to think it would do well in the cold and die in the spring. 'I still wonder how I can amass this teenage angst when I’m 26. I insert her face into cars that pass on the highway. Singing with the radio and forgetting me all together.' This seems completely unrelated to the poem- a footnote. I don't think you need it. It seems like you are, I don't know, rationalizing your poem or making an excuse for it? Don't downplay it by calling it teenage angst... I didn't think of it as that until you called it that. Hope this helped. |
||
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Hush- thank you thank you thank you. Great break down. Briefly, I'll deal with your thoughts carefully during the rewrite, the february thing was historically narrative. Insofar as, it started in February, and more than a year and a half later "it" came back up again. Very strange series of coincidence - the oddest of my life. That's why I put in there. quote: I can see that this is an overuse, I thought I was being clever :/ LESS IS MORE!! I'll take your advice. quote: The idea was to view the life and death of the "ice tree" as internal rather than contingent on the seasons. The season reference was only to give the reader a time frame. I can try to clear that up. The last stanza was purely narrative and retrospective. I commute too and from work everyday and all that time on the road gives you plenty of time to think. It also is remenicient of a time where "Jamie" passed my while I was driving singing to the radio and not even noticing my car. Albiet it was 6 years ago---somethings just stick in your mind. But, bottom line, thanks for going over that. I'll see what I can do with it. CS |
||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Nice work on this, CS. I agree with hush’s excellent comments and suggestions. Another way you might want to try is to really pare it back, but in your own words of course: I remember Jamie from February with winter still full on her lips. She planted a seed in that place where my trust for her lie and it grew with a killer efficiency into an ice tree that bloomed with distorted memories of what I thought I remembered. When I prune it back to a manageable state after dying thoughts grow again, I remember her as the face of winter with killing cold still on her lips. |
||
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Jennifer- I wish I would have written that. Thank you...I'm still working on taking your ideas, but not your words. All the best- CS |
||
|
Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
Great imagery! I just wondered about this line: where my trust for her lie Are you trying to say lay or are you speaking of a lie. Because if it's the former, the tense would work better with lay - if it's the latter, the tense would be better if you said of my trust for he lie, or better yet, of my trust in her lie. Line one - should "the" February be "that" February? Line twelve - the "forced to remember" is somewhat cliched and predictable. |
||
|
ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Thanks for the comment. it's supposed to be just February. Lie should be lay. I still haven't found a good way to fix this one. I wish I could write right. Dane |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
