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Critical Analysis #2
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City Dwelling
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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City Dwelling |
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ChaosOfAPen New Member
since 2007-02-16
Posts 5 |
This city seems crowded, claustrophobic, caved-in And these streets reek of gasoline tears and sin The night's falling faster Leaving me to wonder where you are These streetlights click on earlier Killing all of our stars My bed is still empty Beckoning all of our lust and fears My body is cold and shaking But it's still here Kill the lights The dawn's arriving soon To murder this night These buildings seem constricted, congested, too close And these alleyways reek of lost dreams and dead hopes The sun's sinking sooner Leaving me to wonder where you are The moon's dancing above And I'm hoping you're not far My hand is still open Waiting for yours to embrace And my mouth is still speaking Words to empty space Kill the light The dawn's arriving soon This is what you wanted, dear Me here with you. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This kind of works for me. I'd drop those two middle strophes and stick with the description of the city (though I suspect many would describe it as too repetitive). Still, somehow, it does seem to capture that moment, that silence, just before the day begins. My one complaint is that the characters are really nothing but stick figures. While I admit that others have complained that I often try to put too much into those 'moments', I believe that an entire life, world, whatever can be encapsulated there -- I never worry if the time and the poem actually match so to speak. So, let the city be a metaphor for the bad times of the relationship, life, or whatever, and see the moment 'between' so to speak as the contrary. |
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ChaosOfAPen New Member
since 2007-02-16
Posts 5 |
The reason why my characters seem so vague is because while I wrote this I was in a long distance relationship. I still am. They're not developed much because all this relationship has been is words. Whether typed, written or spoken. The dawn arriving is just counting another day until we're together. The city.. a way of never quite feeling like you're where you wanna be. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
That's not really a response to my response. That is what inspired you. It doesn't make the lack of real people any less problematic. But let's see if anybody else has anything to say. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Hey there- Some good ideas here. I really like S3, but there is a lack of congruency with the strophes. The middle seems like it was added out of order. Kinda what Brad said. I do wish that you would dispense with the alliteration. It seems cheesy. There are also some slant rhyme in S5 and maybe someother places that confuse me. Did you mean to rhyme or was it just word placement. I think that reformating would help the situation. Lastly, do you think that you could pair this one down a bit. I imagine you could say about the same thing in fewer words. Just a thought. CS |
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