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Critical Analysis #2
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Farenheight ..up in flames
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Farenheight ..up in flames |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Generations of history and tales from long ago burn. Papers that once told the story of the winners, will turn from a creation to the essence of nothing. Many years brought together in leather bound pages, die without tears. For a single drop of regret could stop the ink-stained massacre from taking place. A break in concentration will destroy the burning smile that haunts every face. Burning men can’t stop and waste their precious time to question if it’s right, if flaring cobras slithering along their spines will only be bound in night. Sustenance for the fiery towers spits in a venomous attack, only serves to add Fahrenheit to the bonfire of red and black. Kerosene coating each character of the truth forcing painful words to bleed. Every memory bestowed upon parchment doomed to fall apart, piece-by-piece. Each dedicated tribute is cremated in monumental flame. Burning silently loud letters means no more than a living game. The desire to erupt in flames releases a particle of being free to deeply muddled men in cages whom would no more question than they would read ***** In english class we are reading Farenheight 451 and that pretty much inspired this. [This message has been edited by rhia_5779 (02-17-2007 04:14 PM).] |
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ChaosOfAPen New Member
since 2007-02-16
Posts 5 |
A couple things threw me off on this one. I've never read the book so I'm not sure if some of the things need to stay. Generations of history and tales from long ago burn. Papers that once told the story of the winners, will turn from a creation to the essence of nothing. Many years brought together in leather bound pages, die without tears. "From a creation to the essence of nothing?" is just there. It doesn't have anything to work off of. Nothing to rhyme with it. For a single drop of regret could stop the ink-stained massacre from taking place. A break in concentration will destroy the burning smile that’s haunting every face. Burning men can’t stop to think or waste their precious time to question if it’s right, if flaring cobras slithering along their spines will only be bound in night. I think that "A burning smile that's haunting every face." could be changed to "A burning smile that haunts every face." It's too long and breaks up the flow. Also could "Burning men can't stop to think or waste their percious time to question if it's right." be changed to "Burning men can't waste their percious time to question if it's right." If you're questioning something wouldn't it be assumed that you're thinking about it? |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Personally, I found this to be rather clunky, given the length of each line. Try shortening them a bit. That being said, I think you summed up the novel very well. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
It is an observation by the narrator. So no I may be thinking it but they aren't I will fix the other stuff you said. Thank you To use the illusions. Suggestions for shortening it up but saying what i am trying to say? |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
By simply cutting each line in half (within reason, and while retaining the words in each line) you could make the piece easier to read. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
how is this better? Generations of history and tales from long ago burn. Papers that once told the story of the winners, will turn from a creation to the essence of nothing. Many years brought together in leather bound pages, die without tears. A single drop of regret could stop the ink-stained massacre from taking place. A break in concentration will destroy the burning smile that haunts every face. Burning men can’t stop and waste their precious time to question the right, if flaring cobras slithering will only be bound in night. Sustenance for the fiery towers spits in a venomous attack, serves to add Fahrenheit to the bonfire of red and black. Kerosene coating each character of truth forces painedl words to bleed. Every memory bestowed upon parchment fallinf apart, piece-by-piece. Each dedicated tribute is cremated in monumental flame. Burning silently loud letters means no more than a living game. The desire to erupt in flames releases a particle of being free to deeply muddled men in cages whom would no more question than they would read ***** |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
My advice here is almost exactly the same as on the blood diamond piece. Put a character in there or at least make the point of view clearer. Nevertheless, there are parts that I liked. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Which parts did you like? and Why Remind me what did you say about Blood diamond again? I need to know what to drop and what to not so if you could explain what worked for this and what flopped. |
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