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openthoughts
Member

since 2006-01-16

Posts 94
Where the child can be free

0 posted 2007-02-07 06:47 PM

Laughing Bells

Shadows grow long down the street
that has mostly emptied by now
as the sun sets fire to only the tallest of trees.
The sound of the bell ringing is just lonely enough
to echo off the slowly darkening homes,
but not so much that it is alone to the ears.
On the east side of this street,
a woman hums tunelessly since no one else can hear
until she is reached by the joyful bell.
Setting down her knife
and untieing the strings behind her
she drifts to the warmth of her window
where now the duet of laughter joins
as the child pedals in time
to the footsteps of his father.
She smiles to herself as her hands
rest softly on her stomach.
Across from her, on the other side
in a house with windows facing only street
a man with age far beyond his years
rests uncomfortably with a book in one hand
and recent memories in the other
barely reading by lamps so dimly lit.
He too is reached by the sound of the ringing
and finds it out of place in the melancholy air.
So he responds with a clap of his book
and slowly rising dispite himself
to wearily reach for the windowsill.
He replaces his memories with a phone
and carefully gathers his reasons
with a frown upon his face
until
until he, in raising to shake his head,
sees the face of the child anew
and the silence of the street.
The laughter rises to meet his ears
and his face begins to unclench.
The phone is gone from his hand
and the lamps, so dark before, have been lit
to illuminate his home.
Now returned to his chair,
sinking back to it with a gentle sigh
a new collage of memories,
and the smile shared from the house across.

[This message has been edited by openthoughts (02-07-2007 08:33 PM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-02-17 05:01 PM

This is definitely readable. Personally, I thought people would have jumped on this one (so much for my ability to predict what people will do.)

Elanore Rigby in a mirror.

Perhaps, and only perhaps, a little more action or something would attract more people.

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

2 posted 2007-02-19 11:23 AM

Enjoyed this a lot. Maybe breaking it up into strophes might help? Give readers a chance to pause and reflect on what you're saying rather than trying to take it in all at once?

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

3 posted 2007-02-21 12:43 PM

You have a good premise and draw an interesting parallel. I was compelled to read on to the end, but found it somewhat tedious getting there.
There are words and phrases scattered throughout the piece which add nothing substantial and therefore should or could be dropped, if not changed. A few samples:

"…a woman hums tunelessly…" I know what you mean, but it would be more correct to say she's humming off-key.

"Setting down her knife" You bring the knife up suddenly, without first implying that she was possibly working in the kitchen. Otherwise, such an object naturally makes one wonder what she was doing: Peeling potatoes? Cleaning her fingernails? Threatening her husband? Therefore, the line as it stands, is distracting--even though you slightly implied that she was wearing an apron, when we see that she was: "…untieing[sic] the strings behind her."

"…on the other side" Is redundant, given that you've already said he lived, "across from her".

"…windows facing only street," What does this mean? I could understand if he lived in an apartment.

"and recent memories in the other" Not clear enough. What's he got in that hand, a photo album?

"barely reading by lamps so dimly lit." A rather clunky line.

"He too is reached by the sound of the ringing and finds it out of place in the melancholy air." A rather roundabout way of simply telling us that: He notices a discordant sound...

"…slowly rising dispite himself…" Regardless of being misspelled, (despite), the word is a little too vague as used. Is the intended inference that he is crotchety, or just old and feeble?

"sees the face of the child anew
and the silence of the street." Sees…the silence[?]" How about simply: "…and the otherwise, silent street"?

"…lit to illuminate…" You need to say this in a less cumbersome way.

"Now returned to his chair," You should eliminate, "Now" and make it 'returning', to stay consistent

There may be more things to correct--I didn't have time to go into more detail now--but these minor ones would go a long way to improving the piece. For, it definitely is 'readable' and worth refining.

Sid

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