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Critical Analysis #2
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Highland Games.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Highland Games. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. 
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As in days of old, as in days of highland games. The atlas stones favor no man, my dears. Throwing kegs like paper dolls, This is what we live for. As in days of old, as in days of highland games. Pull a wagon full of mead, pull an eighteen-wheeler. The husefel stone will take no pity, Flouting bones and tearing ligaments, this is what we live for. As in days of old, as in days of highland games. Rolling boulders, Flipping tires, The weight, the crowd, the glory. This is what we live for. As in days of new, these are days of strongman games. Some people fall in love and touch the sky, some people fall in love and find quicksand. Our love is somewhere inbetween, I swear... I can't make up m |
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| © Copyright 2007 Paul Weisbrod - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Monster truck rally? |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I compete in strongman. Strongman originated from the scottish highland games. Not a monster truck rally! Hah! However, I can see how one would interpret it that way. |
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Robert Jordan Member
since 2007-02-07
Posts 392Philadelphia Pa USA |
Viking_metal, I like this okay. I would suggest breaking it up into strophes, and eliminating the white space between lines. Bobby |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Thank you, I'll work wiht the format a bit and see what I like best. -Paul |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Fair enough. I was being flippant, but my point is that the strongman competition seems to be a metaphor for something else or will be seen that way even if you don't intend it. Maybe make that comparison a little more overt? |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I didn't mean that negatively, but I did find it humorous. It's really all about actual strongman. I will think that through and experiment. Thanks! |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Are there no critical responses?  |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Ok, a critical response. You only have to say "As in highland games" once, at the start of the poem. The repetition doesn't add anything. The reference to "flipping tires" is en"tire"ly out of context. It jars. Replace it. Tires in the context of Highland games with their historial connotations doesn't jibe. It doesn't connect the past with present, which I think might have been your intention. Basically, this is a good piece of work needing very little revision to become a very good piece of work. As an auld Scot and partisan of the "games," I too am tickled by the elemental nature of the "sports" part -- throw a big stane (stone), flip a heavy caber (a log, not a tire), and run as fast as you can. It doesn't get much more basic, and, as your poem points out in subtext, the "games" are the basics of men-sport sans refinement. The poem puts this across, and has something to say. Touch it up, and you've got a winner. Jim |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Many thanks, it almost always takes a second eye to catch those sort of little things. Got to love the highland games! |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
As in days of old, as in days of highland games. The atlas stone favors no man, my dears. Throwing kegs like paper dolls. This is what we live for. Pull a wagon full of mead, all out tug of war. The hussafell stone will take no pity Flouting bones and tearing ligaments, this is what we live for. Rolling boulders, Flipping Cabers, The weight, the crowd, the glory. This is what we live for. As in days of new, these are days of strongman games. (Better? I dont know why cabers never entered my mind, they are very similar to the event "fingal's fingers" of today.) |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
I think it's a LOT better, and I basically liked it to start with. Staying picky, because I'm up to pickiness: "The atlas stone favors no man," GREAT LINE) my dears. (THIS IS A LINE KILLER, at least to my critical eye, which shouldn't be taken more seriously than anyone else's. It's somehow way out of context with the rest of poem. Do you address your friends or audience as "dears," of friends? I assume you mean something ironic/sarcastic, but it doesn't come off to me. "My friend." or "my friends" might work better, or you could just leave "my dears" out. I get why it's there, or why you want to have something of its sort in this first line position, just quibble with the chosen words. "Throwing kegs like paper dolls. This is what we live for." (NO IT ISN'T what the poem's "we" live for. "Throwing kegs" is what the "we" live for. Every other line in the poem disputes this, referring to the heavy duty physical effort, and the intractablity of man vs. obstacle, i.e., strength/endurance in elemental sport. I think I understand you're intent, but the allusion is off. Throwing kegs is just like throwing kegs. I can't think of anyone who throws a keg like a paper doll. One might throw a keg as if it were a six pack, or one might just throw a keg.. "Pull a wagon full of mead, all out tug of war. The hussafell stone will take no pity Flouting bones and tearing ligaments, this is what we live for." (NOW, you've nailed it. With, of course, a quibble, since this post is about quibbling. You refer to the "Atlas stone" in line one, and the "hussafell stone" in line four. Love "hussafell," great archaism, but what does it add to "Atlas?" Either way, it's a big stinking rock, close to the size of the earth. Try using "Atlas stone" in both lines, read out loud and see how it sounds to you. If it works for you, you have the advantage of continuing the basic thematic element. I don't know this forum well, or how far people want to go with suggestions. You seem open to reasoned remarks, so I hope nothing offends. And of course, you can always blow it all off. Jim |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I love your critical responses, that's what this forum is about. There is a difference between atlas and hussafel stones, one is a giant triangular piece of rock (hussafel) and the other is a perfect sphere (atlas). However I will continue editing with your thoughtful advice and watchful eye on my side, thank you very much. I will consider this the final edit. -Paul |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi, Paul. Valid distinction between Atlas and hussafell. This is a good job! You might check my post on this forum called "Constructive Critism," a four line bit of doggerel, not a rant. Gotta keep things in perspective! For what it's worth, and just an opinion, you're on a good track. Keep on truckin', or pulling trucks with your teeth. Whatever works. Jim |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Ha! I enjoy your enthusiasm! You sir, have a wonderful evening, and continue critiquing my poems! |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
As in days of old, as in days of highland games. The atlas stone favors no man, friends and competitors. Throwing kegs towards the heavens with vehemence, This is what we live for. Pull a wagon full of mead, all out tug of war. The hussafell stone will take no pity Flouting bones and tearing ligaments, this is what we live for. Rolling boulders, Flipping Cabers, The weight, the crowd, the glory. This is what we live for. These are now days of new, these are days of strongman games. (A final or near final edit as far as I'm going to concern myself. I shall not beat any horse to death, only to continue beating its corpse, hah!) |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Where are the tartans, the kilts and clan pride? I can’t hear the pipes and drums or smell the hay in the field. I want to feel a tear trickle down my cheek as I remember with pride, the generations of gentle strong men in my family who tossed the caber and never once called it flipping. Sorry, "flipping" just doesn't work for me. |
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Aurelian Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 109TX, USA |
I might change "tearing ligaments" to something more musical. Not sure exactly what, it just jars my ear a bit. Maybe "ripping sinews"? |
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18 Junior Member
since 2007-03-28
Posts 25 |
all this poem has is a vague line (as in days of old, as in days of highland games) essentialy in repetition of variations of itself surrounded not even by imagery of the content but direct actions supposedly related to your subject. with seven adjectives uncreatively describing whatever youre trying to illustrate in this work you condescend your beleifs that adjectives do not make poetry. booyah next time you want to comment somebody elses work give em more than "adjectives do not make poetry" [EDIT by moderator - personal attacks are not acceptable] [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (04-07-2007 06:10 PM).] |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Thank you for your personal attack. I hope you feel better. -Paul |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Guys, Can you give us a e-mail address to contact you? It would help. Honest. |
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