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Critical Analysis #2
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A Long Fall For A Porcelain Doll
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Long Fall For A Porcelain Doll |
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lemonraindrops Junior Member
since 2007-01-28
Posts 19 |
A Long Fall For a Porcelain Doll Seven stories high in a tower of dreams Sits a porcelain doll with no feelings it seems A cold pale face with eyes crystal blue She is seated on a ledge with nothing to do In blows a wind of unimaginable size The doll rocks on the edge with no cry of surprise One of her tiny shoes slips from her foot But despite what has happened the doll will stay put What might be below her is hidden from sight She is oblivious to her seat's frightening height She remains here unmoved no change has occurred No blink of an eye no soft whispered word Bearing delicate ribbons and a hand-painted smile She has been here in silence for quite a long while How she arrived here forever is unknown But she's been here for some time untouched and alone Where is this tower or building so tall No one is sure not quite sure at all However it is true the doll does exist If she were removed she would surely be missed A sunset a sunrise another day passed Not even she knows how long her life will last Would you agree that she's really alive Do ever wonder how long she'll survive A new day has come and another wind blows And this time the doll rearranges her pose One tiny movement of one petite hand And down the doll descends into unknown land Then just as sudden as the fall had begun The fall for the porcelain doll is now done And although one expects to hear shatters and such In the spot the doll landed the noise wasn't much Below the very ledge from which the doll fell A small girl walked by her name was Danielle The girl's toy stroller was the doll's destination And she leaned toward the doll with some hesitation She looked up at the sky with sheer fascination And handled the doll with great admiration The doll was just as still and silent as before As she began a new journey of obscurity once more 2006 Elyse |
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| © Copyright 2007 lemonraindrops - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Its really long, make it shorter and people will be more interested in reading it |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
I'm tired of people always complaining that poems are too long. My latest endevor is four pages! |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
I love it. The only thing I would change is the mentioning of the girls name. It either sounds like you're just trying too hard to rhyme.. Or if that isn't the case and it's actually a real persons name, I think it should be left out just to keep the reader thinking of who the young girl, and the doll could represent. The mystery really helps with the mood of this poem, for me, at least. It's a great poem overall though. (: |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
WEll on this site its true people don't want to crittique something that isn't written by a published author that is multiple pages long. The shorter it is the easy to understand and the less to get confused about. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
The flow is good, some of the lines are a bit awkward. I chose two: How she arrived here forever is unknown Change to: "how she arrived here is forever unknown" Do ever wonder how long she'll survive Erm... ? Do you? surely there's supposed to be something between "do" and "ever?" I think this just needs a solid look-over, and it will be near completion. Very solid read, excellent flow, I'm impressed. Good work, and keep it up. -Paul |
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ashlbee_86 New Member
since 2007-01-24
Posts 9Michigan, USA |
This poem is very good. I like it a lot. The only thing that I would recommend is to maybe cut a few lines towards the begining, it would make the poem move a little better. I don't mind the length-but the poem seems a bit slow. The only other thing is the rhyme. I know its hard to rhyme, but it seems kind of forced here-maybe try writing a version without rhyme? just to see if you like it? I do really like this poem though-its a very refreshing idea. |
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ChaosOfAPen New Member
since 2007-02-16
Posts 5 |
The poem can be however long you want it to be. If you don't like it then don't read it. This one kept my interest though. Where is this tower or building so tall No one is sure not quite sure at all Could this be changed to "No one is sure, no not at all." The word "sure" being used twice just throws it off a bit for me.. and quite just doesn't seem right. A sunset a sunrise another day passed Not even she knows how long her life will last I can't find a flow in that at all. How about something like "Not even she's sure of how long life will last." |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Length is never an issue when the words are crafted so that they compel the average person to read on: These are not. It is simply a plethoric depiction of an object which, quite frankly, I am offered very little reason to really care about. The imagery is one dimensional; the rhymes are forced and the AABB pattern in which it is laid out makes it even more difficult to take seriously, since such rhyme is more suited to light verse. You have a nice title so far--not much more. Sid |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
There’s something in the core of this piece that I really like. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Perhaps I’m reading more into it than you intended? My suggestions would be to delete some of the “she” and filler phrases, merge some of the lines, single space, break into strophes, forget about rhyming and concentrate on the message more than the descriptives. For instance: Seven stories high in a tower of dreams, A porcelain doll rocks on the ledge Untouched and alone with no feelings it seems, Rearranging her pose to survive as another wind blows. |
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