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Critical Analysis #2

Wishes

fanatic-flyer
Junior Member

since 2007-02-07

Posts 26
Bournemouth

0 posted 2007-02-07 11:26 AM

Wishes take away the pain

They make us feel okay again
From blowing out candles
To cutting cake
Who knows what wishes we all make

So why when I wish
Does it stay in my head?
Never coming out
Like my mum said

I wish for a pony
An Ipod
And more
But all I get is my heart feeling sore

Wishes are phoney
Horrid and fake
Wishes are nasty
You hopes they will take

I dont like wishes
Until today
When standing in a stable
Stood a pony called May

Wishes are fabulous
Amazing and great
Wishes gave me my best mate.

Thanks for everything, because everything makes the world happy =)

[This message has been edited by fanatic-flyer (02-08-2007 04:07 PM).]

Robert Jordan
Member

since 2007-02-07

Posts 392
Philadelphia Pa USA

1 posted 2007-02-07 04:24 PM

fanatic-flyer,

This is rather charming. However, you might think about putting it in to strophes (stanzas) to make it easier to read.

I'd also eliminate the spaces between the lines.

Bobby

fanatic-flyer
Junior Member

since 2007-02-07

Posts 26
Bournemouth

2 posted 2007-02-08 04:06 PM

okay thanks

Thanks for everything, because everything makes the world happy =)

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

3 posted 2007-02-11 07:02 PM

This rhyme scheme is strange.

As before mentioned it IS a charming poem, but if you read it out loud you would be easily able to identify stumbling points.

Keep writing, youre doing well.

-Paul

trutodaraiders
Senior Member

since 2006-12-02

Posts 820
CA

4 posted 2007-02-12 01:07 AM

Maybe language barrier? Maybe instead of "You" use "Your" or "My"

Loved the poem. !Bill

Wishes are phoney
Horrid and fake
Wishes are nasty
You hopes they will take

fanatic-flyer
Junior Member

since 2007-02-07

Posts 26
Bournemouth

5 posted 2007-02-13 03:03 PM

ah right, sorry just a little glitch i shall correct. hehe thanks

Thanks for everything, because everything makes the world happy =)

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