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Critical Analysis #2
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A broken pearl
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A broken pearl |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Walking down the same old street A cup in my hand, the same old treat I see a girl, lost and confused A young child, beaten and bruised I stop to ask her where she belongs She tells me a home is what she longs I don't understand, she looks quite well kept I looked at her with uncertainty as she wept She begged me, please, be my friend Her severity was more than I could comprehend Her eyes were lonely, swelled with tears I told her I would, and to have no fears I reached out my hand, and she just stared I could tell that she was very scared She said never mind, she didn't need a friend Then ran away, saying this was all pretend I then followed her to a broken down house Where she met man who took off her blouse He grabbed her, and threw her on the ground She layed lifeless, there was no one else around Until a boy came up, and struck the man Grabbed the girl, and quickly ran My legs were frozen to the floor I don't know why I couldn't move anymore Such courage in such a young lad More bravery than I have ever had I went home that night to the same old place Looked in the mirror and saw the same old face But something was different as a tear formed I then knew my life had been transformed |
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| © Copyright 2007 TyroStar - All Rights Reserved | |||
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
You are an iceberg of potential, and this is only the tip. Some of the lines I stumbled upon. I know im being really picky, but it would help if it were sperated into stanzas, or PREFERABLY double spaced. "She tells me a home is what she longs" Thats the only line that truly bothered me, the rest is good, but could/will be better. I think you need to let the poem sit for 2-3 days, come back, and reread and edit it. Good work, I liked the storytelling aspect of this piece. Wonderfully done rhyming poems are hard to do. Good luck, though you don't really need it, -Paul |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Thank you for the advice. (: I'll do that, then repost again. That line was hard for me to keep up with the rhyme scheme I had going. I'll try a few other things out there. |
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fanatic-flyer Junior Member
since 2007-02-07
Posts 26Bournemouth |
wow beautiful i really liked that, it was moving and deep Thanks for everything, because everything makes the world happy =) |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Thank you. [: |
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