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Critical Analysis #2
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Six
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Six |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Six So simple Little issues seeming so big The big picture seeming so small Caught in a daze, But content nonetheless. Five Simplicity wanes The path encounters a dent One less smile to be had A tint of grey, a duller world. Four The hardest blow Everything is falling apart The earth beneath is crumbling Standing petrified, fearing the outside. Three Another cut So inferior, in a rut The pattern is worn Meaningless, carrying on. Two The inevitable Always expect the worst Never hope for anything Smiles all gone, Scared sweat turns to tears. One An attachment A twig holding up a bridge Destin to break and fall Caught in a daze, Full of self pity. You are alone. |
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| © Copyright 2007 TyroStar - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Untill the very end we don't find out who is the subject. Incorparate that in and the first bit doesn't seem to have substance. I read it and say O.K this person has form but what are they writing about? What is the message they want to convey? |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
It's kind of meant to be put so when you get to the end, the rest can be put into perspective. I don't know how I would go about adding the subject in the beginning, either way.. Oh, and it's about my wonderful little group of friends I had last year, who all left one by one. There were six of us, go figure. :P |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
It bothers me that the lines in "three" rhyme. change that? I like the idea for the layout, that is altogether a grand idea to me. I don't like the vocab. Expand that. Twig holding upa bridge struck me as the best line. Continue to rework the rest, this poem just needs some time and patience. Good luck with poetry! -Paul |
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TyroStar Junior Member
since 2007-01-31
Posts 38 |
Ah, I do realize now the vocabulary isn't very elaborate. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. And the single rhyme bothered me at first too, but I figured nobody would notice. I'll change that. |
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