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Seeking Remedies
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Seeking Remedies |
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The_Nameless_One Member
since 2007-01-20
Posts 165Missouri |
this is going into a school poetry contest I would like some help with it please be as harsh as you want to but also helpful please I am salvation For the bleeding mind Seeking remedies Of the outer rind Vacuuming away Thoughts that death bequeeths The corking of all Vile anger that seethes Refilling the void With absolute joy Vanquishing the dreams Sadness will deploy Happiness was found Now no longer vague New range of feelings Curing all the plague [This message has been edited by The_Nameless_One (01-25-2007 05:35 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Preston Morse - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't understand your title. The poem is religious in nature, but it's too vague to really intrigue me -- try to be more specific. You've got some problems with the rhythm -- particularly 'vacuuming away' and in a few other points, but when I read it out loud it comes off okay. The question ultimately is what kind of tone do you want here? Do you really want 'vacuum' and 'rind' in a poem about, at least I think it is about, a rather serious subject? |
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The_Nameless_One Member
since 2007-01-20
Posts 165Missouri |
well at first in place of rind i had kind but then i thought people would think about aliens or something of that nature. I don't have anything in mind to replace vacuuming thanks for the input. I didn't mean for this to religiously themed its really about just overcoming the darker side of emotions but that's cool I guess its more about how others perceive I would like to know what other spots the rhythm is off in I'm not that great I just started trying to write poetry so I really need some help |
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trutodaraiders Senior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 820CA |
I thought you did a great job especally on you syllable count. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
More to it than syllable count, meter content etc.. of the outer rind Rind????? Use a better word that is really common and boring also what did you mean to say with that rhyme. [This message has been edited by rhia_5779 (02-02-2007 03:49 AM).] |
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The_Nameless_One Member
since 2007-01-20
Posts 165Missouri |
would "My thoughts realigned" in place of "Of the outer rind" sound better and make more sense? |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Would sound better but doesn't work with the stanza you have |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
I am salvation For the bleeding mind Seeking remedies Of the outer rind What are you saying? You are salvation to someone in particular, or everyone in general? Salvation from what? This is a total abstraction, I understand nothing. Good for a high-school contest, but not so good for high level poetry. Vacuuming away Thoughts that death bequeeths The corking of all Vile anger that seethes Seethes and BEQUEATHS do not rhyme. Is there a mourning rage going on here? An anger caused by someones death? The writers death? Refilling the void With absolute joy Vanquishing the dreams Sadness will deploy Whats refilling the void? What dreams? Are they nightmares? black dreams? White dreams? Dreams in all red? Once again, totally an abstraction. Happiness was found Now no longer vague New range of feelings Curing all the plague Change now no longer to just no longer. "Now" is useless here, all it accomplishes is taking up space. What range of feelings? What kind of feelings? This poem is still to abstract for any read to really understand. This poem is not horrible, it has potential. To me so far, it seems like it's a "journal entry" poem. One that I'd write down on random, and would later decide what to do with. 1. Expand the vocabulary in the poem, and use more adjectives. 2. Take your time. It seems like this was rushed. Edit, and re-edit, and re-edit again. Then re-post. I'd be glad to critique again, If you repost. Not meant to be too harsh, but I did what I felt neccessary, no hard feelings! Good luck with poetry and the contest, -Paul |
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