»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
A New Hope
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
A New Hope |
|
|
trutodaraiders Senior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 820CA 
|
I am looking for anything and everything. Last time i posted in this forum i was disapointed due to lack of help. I have a huge problem with punucation. New hope casts a flickering glow, warm golden and sweet, as fresh as the first crocus, peeking through the snow. Maybe a touch of magic, that small dream, and I'll keep it to myself. through whatever loneliness may lie down my path, for now it is private, it is my secret, not yet to be shared, my joy. It may be that at last, a dream became reality, almost near enough, to hold in my palm. Filling my soul with laughter, If only this hope is true. |
||
| © Copyright 2007 Bill Franklin - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
trebuchet Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30 |
I'd start with saying you don't have a huge problem with your punctuation -- you're just overusing it! My first rule of thumb is to read each phrase, particularly in a piece like this, where phrasing can be broken down into near sentences. Anywhere you wouldn't normally put a comma (ie. take a little pause), don't use one. You don't need a comma after nearly every line. It distracts from your message. I'll get back to more of this later, but wanted to get that out upon my first read... I'll be back. |
||
|
trebuchet Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30 |
...Also, if your intent isn't to rhyme, rething your first and third lines. I think leading out with a rhyme improperly sets expectations that that will continue. Hope that makes sense... |
||
|
trutodaraiders Senior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 820CA |
Yes it makes perfect sense. I really appreciate you stopping bye and leaving your thoughts. Thank you for taking the time to help me. ~Bill |
||
|
ashlbee_86 New Member
since 2007-01-24
Posts 9Michigan, USA |
I enjoyed this poem a lot. As for the punctuation-here is my sugestions (also I have changed the seventh line form the bottom): New hope casts a flickering glow: warm golden and sweet as fresh as the first crocus peeking through the snow. Maybe a touch of magic- that small dream, and I'll keep it to myself. Through whatever loneliness may lie down my path, for now it is private; my secret not yet to be shared, my joy. It may be that at last a dream became reality, almost near enough, to hold in my palm. Filling my soul with laughter- If only this hope is true. I hope that this has helped you-it's just my ideas, so keep them or leave them. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
