Biology Girl. - pipTalk Forums

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viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

0 posted 2007-02-02 07:20 PM

For fear of people stealing my work I've taken this down, thanks everyone for helping! I feel like I've gotten enough second party perspective. Thanks again!

[This message has been edited by viking_metal (02-04-2007 10:38 AM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-02-02 09:13 PM

The first couplet is great, keep that no matter what. The second is good and it goes down hill from there. Why move into abstraction? While I still think you've got plenty to work with, the 'trick' has taken over your story rather than enhancing it.

Good start by the way (in more ways than one). You really seem to get the whole idea of this forum.

[This message has been edited by Brad (02-02-2007 10:19 PM).]

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

2 posted 2007-02-02 09:43 PM

Thanks. I just wrote this one really fast during a biolgy course, rather than paying attention. Hah! She was sitting next to me, so I wrote about her.

Do you care to elaborate a bit more please? I like the possibiilties of the poem, but I'm stuck it seems. I don't like the ending either. Any more clarified thoughts?

trebuchet
Junior Member

since 2007-01-12

Posts 30

3 posted 2007-02-03 02:57 AM

I like "cloth for cloth", but feel like the attraction is clear, and needn't be explicitly called out. I like the tease of this poem, and want it to stay just on this side of obvious to be really intrigued by it.

I like the concept of who looks away first, and the quick break of an equally quick fantasy.

is the "natural" bit a play on biology? if it is, i like the thought, but I'm just not a fan of the hanging "too natural" line. Perhaps consider taking the biological response you have to this girl and her trappings of attraction further in the poem?

I like your fantasy, and the sweat on spine imagery is palpable, in a good way. I like that.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

4 posted 2007-02-03 11:07 AM

Thanks a lot for the detailed response. Yes it was indeed a play on biolgical desires, I'm impressed you caught that. I am going to re-edit this poem today for a while and maybe repost it here in the thread.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

5 posted 2007-02-03 11:23 AM

For fear of people stealing my work I've taken this down, thanks everyone for helping! I feel like I've gotten enough second party perspective. Thanks again!

[This message has been edited by viking_metal (02-04-2007 10:37 AM).]

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

6 posted 2007-02-05 04:04 PM

Awfully paranoid to think that someone would rip off your work. Also, removing posts doesn't let people follow your improvement. Poor taste I would say.

CS

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

7 posted 2007-02-05 04:21 PM

thanks.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

8 posted 2007-02-05 05:18 PM

If you really thought the poem was so good that the public would jump at the chance to steal it then you probably should never have posted it on the public internet.

The poem you post is yours and is automatically copyrighted. The thread, after receiving comments however, belongs to the entire forum. Removing the poem, after receiving comments, makes all those related comments meaningless. That is indeed poor taste and is not easily tolerated. We strongly ask that you not remove a poem after it has received comments.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

9 posted 2007-02-06 07:44 AM

bad decision,seriously. None of us would steal someone elses poem and its bad taste that you think we sould.

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

10 posted 2007-02-06 08:09 AM

“Biology Girl”

Lyric for lyric,
spotted leggings and blue boots catch my eyes.

Sphere for sphere,
the only tongue rings you wear are in your ears.

Cloth for cloth,
biologically predisposed desires grow clear.

Brace for brace,
your wrists drip with silver-laden circles.

Sweater for sweater,
taking a moment to consider what sweat might look like on your flawless spine.

An eye for an eye,
our eyes have met, but not shaken hands.

No, you look away first.

Forgive my transgressions, this is my first poetry forum. Thanks everyone. This is the latest form "biology girl" has taken on.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

11 posted 2007-02-06 11:35 AM

Thank you for reposting it.

Pete

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

12 posted 2007-02-06 04:11 PM

No problem, thanks for letting me know that I should'nt have taken it down.

I was thinking only for myself there, not about the knowledge to be gained for others. My mistake!

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