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Critical Analysis #2
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At the opening of a sculpture garden.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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At the opening of a sculpture garden. |
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trebuchet Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30 |
Another brand new one... just went to a sculpture garden opening two nights ago and was... underwhelmed. I need a title and some suggestions. Anyone? I walked through the middle of it in dim light: ocean misting one side of me, cityscape humming on the other, and thought: what garden? I read the little stone markers at my feet like tiny tombs. So much ado about oversized, overweight, terrible metal shapes! One was called Eagle. Another, something in French. I never did figure where the eagle was in that bright mess of scrap. Everything hard angles crushing, perfect and polished, each looming over, reflecting the next while people leaned back, mouths agape. I hurried through, feigned awe, nodded appreciatively, stared at the tombstones in the grass. At the end I leaned against a tree and blew out my confusion, noticing the sunset's reflection, distorted in the buildings of the skyline. I assassin down the avenue. |
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| © Copyright 2007 Elizabeth Louise Murray - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I apologize for the lack of critique in this comment, but I just plain like this one. Clear message, simple imagery, a final stanza with "pop." How many times do we find beauty in the art of something not trying to be artistic, and see such ugliness that is trying to pass itself off as art. Great work. CS |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
For a title how about .... Sculpture garden ?? Nice imagery I could picture it. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
nice work titles: Disorted skyline AGISNT A TREE RICK |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
It struck me that the mess of scrap was the trigger to look at the horizon. Sometimes, modern art works in mysterious ways.  Reading and remembering some of your pieces, you seem rather adept at the, for lack of a better term, deadpan image. Maybe time to challenge yourself to something new? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Or rather, why does it seem to appeal to many who post here? |
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trebuchet Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30 |
Hey Brad -- yes, the deadpan image is my specialty of sorts. i appreciate you calling me out on it a bit -- nothing wrong with a challenge to stretch. that said, i write because i love the tiny details of life, and often find it frustrating how so often poets seem to miss the glittering bits of ordinary life that are heartbreaking and telling, instead overcomplicating a legitimate thought by -- for lack of a better expression -- outsmarting themeselves. i can appreciate form and symbolism in poetry, but i find my personal style tends more towards a snapshot than an interpretive dance. that said, point taken. i'm working on a piece with a few more layers... i'll be interested to hear your feedback on how it suits me. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
title: "Art?" I walked through the middle of it in dim light: ocean misting one side of me, cityscape humming on the other, and thought: what garden? -"I walked through the dim-lit middle"- I read the little stone markers at my feet like tiny tombs. So much ado about oversized, overweight, terrible metal shapes! -Enhance the vocab! You're better than this! overweight: obese. oversized: monstrous.- One was called Eagle. Another, something in French. I never did figure where the eagle was in that bright mess of scrap. -Vocabulary!- Everything hard angles crushing, perfect and polished, each looming over, reflecting the next while people leaned back, mouths agape. -Mess around more with the first line. IT\t doesn't sound quite right- I hurried through, feigned awe, nodded appreciatively, stared at the tombstones in the grass. -"convinclingly feigned awe"- At the end I leaned against a tree and blew out my confusion, noticing the sunset's reflection, distorted in the buildings of the skyline. -I think distorted should be in the last line, as a personal opinion. What kind of tree? Better imagery! VOCAB!!  -I enjoyed this poem. Nothing really to change around much. I'm sure looking back on it a few months you'll see things you want to improve. 'till then. Happy Grunting, and good luck with your poetic endeavors. -Paul |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
If you promise not to apologize for such "deadpan" , albeit laconically cynical imagery, I'll promise not to apologize for thoroughly enjoying that last stanza of this piece. Especially, "…blew out my confusion…" It wasn't lost on me how the skyline, with sunset's distorted reflection, was probably a much more interesting "sculpture garden" of sorts. Sid |
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