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Alley Cat (for lack of a better title)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Alley Cat (for lack of a better title) |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
I have been playing with a new style lately, and have been wondering if it is effective (and more poetically viable then my previous stuff). Searching through the mind archives for proverbs, Reverberate and echo throughout the timeless eons, Lets let bygones be be-gones, travel about the world, Take some time off of work, and scour the Earth, For the absurd. Wisdom wafting about in opium dens, Freedom in the rebellion of dependence, Reading palms among the illiterate, Fat people who manage grace under clothes which don’t fit, Such aberrations are makeshift, ad-hoc lock stock and barrel, Parts of the whole as malleable as the marrow in the bones, Such are subject to change, the dope fiend may rediscover his dreams, The blind can make up for their lack of sight by reading other things, And the fat man may loose weight, and his clothes will fit loosely, So to be obtuse, in this world there is no such thing as crazy. The flags that are foisted, hoisted over the city limits, Are as false as the wolves hiding in sheep’s clothes, They delineate a line in the Earth, artificial and barren, Scarecrows line the border, in every town, within every citizen, Patriot pride has arrived, in an era of fear, Despite all of the information, nothing’s as it appears, It’s weird, how the world can change in a wink of the eye, As coy as the sunrise appearing in a blackened sky. Up the hill and down the hill, Don’t worry; we have a pill for you, Some will do good and some may cause harm, Be smart; avoid the void like the plague, If this is vague then take this to heart, Refrain from outfitting yourself in self-constructed armor, It may be misconstrued as your desire to be a martyr, So when you’re on the killing floor, don’t dare stop to beg, Or barter, if you go down on your own, you will surely go farther. Insane I may be, (and I know it’s a contradiction) It’s been a pleasure to write to you this diction, Manifested in idiolect, Just making you aware that I know where it’s at, So when you see me, don’t forget to tip your hat, Or your waiter, See you later, Catch you in another alley, Alley cat. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This looks like a free writing exercise. What are you planning to do with it? |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Well, I was considering submitting it to a contest, but I am not entirely confident that it is good enough, hence my sumiting it here first for critique. It is funny that you mention it as being an excercise...I actually worked on this for a while, editing and re-editing it. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Why not submit it? The worst that can happen is that they say it's crap. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
I don't quite know how to take your comment Brad. Are you calling it crap? Is your comment meant to be reassuring? As I stated before, I posted this piece for critique. If I didn't care about whether or not it is good, I wouldn't have bothered posting it on this forum. If I were after fluff comments, I would have posted it in Insights or Dark, or not at all for that matter. Anyhow, thanks for the post. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
There was no secret message. Why don't you think it's good? Look at it from a different person's perspective, and tell us what you think is wrong with it. Try to meet your own expectations of what you think you're supposed to get when you post in this forum. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
I never said I thought it was bad. What I am wondering about is if it could be better. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Okay, but the question stays the same. How do you think it might be better? I'm trying to get you to do the same thing you've asked us to do. This at least creates the ground for conversation. Without it, and though I could be wrong, I think you've started at the wrong point (a kind of poetic montage)and therefore used the wrong form (one line snippets). It will always come off as a free writing exercise as long as you try to marry the two. |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
"Fat people who manage grace under clothes which don’t fit" Lines such as this are the reason that the poems does not work in certain stanzas. For one, I would use contractions as little as possible, especially in areas where it is easily avoidable. I also would refrain from using terms like "Fat People." Apart from being brash and possibly offensive, it makes the piece sound unpoetic. With this being said, I actually liked most of it. I would make a take a few more stabs at editing, though. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Brad, Thank you for clarifying. However, I have to ask, how could it be a montage (if you would define it as such) WITHOUT resorting to snippets? As for what I think could be improved, if I knew, I still wouldn't post it here. As objective as I can be, I find it difficult to determine what is and is not effective in my own writing. Thank you for responding. Russel, Being "somewhat" overweight myself, I overlooked the fact that some people may take offense to being called fat, even though I do not  . Thanks for bringing that to my attention. And thank you for also bringing to my attention the use of contractions, although I was under the impression that compacting some words would help mantain the rhythm of the poem. I will play with changing them. And I am glad you liked most of it. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Use- Hey nice to see you around again. I think that this is not solid enough to stand a competition because the sentence structure is just not there. There are run-ons after run-ons. You need to look to see what can be separated differently to create proper sentence structure, or at least something close to it. I'm not sure why the last stanza is in rhyme? All of the others are left as free, why choose one place to apply a rhyme scheme? Focus your topic. It seems to be a general look at social norms and how they are stupid, but I'm not sure. You have a good start, I'm just not sure where you are going with it. Lastly, quote: I do not think that Russell is correct in saying that you may want to be careful not to offend people. If people are offended that is their problem. We should not censure what we write to avoid toe-stepping. AND, if someone can define unpoetic for me I would really appreciate it. cs |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
When somone writes poetry, they usually want their work to sound pleasing to the ear. I understand that we don't want to censor our work, but terms like "Fat People", or "Stupid Retards" sound very juevenille and out of place in a poem. And if I was either handicapped or overweight, and I read something like this, I would take offense to it. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Chris, Thank you for the warm welecome back. My intention (my conscious intention that is) was not to attack convention per-se, but rather highlight some societal absurdities, not attack them as stupid. My lack of comprehension of poetic terms, etc, has not diminished since the last time I posted here (and if I remember correctly, it was a fiasco). Remember, I am playing with a new style here, so if you could be a bit more clear...for example, what do you mean by run-ons? As for sentence structure, could you give me an example as how to improve that in this piece? The last stanza is in rhyme, because, in my opinions, it ends the piece with a bang. Could be wrong on that account though. Finally, changing fat to overwieght, I don't think, would detract from the rhythm too much. On the other hand, in the same sentence, I am complimenting those who can mantain an air of grace beneath their girth. But I can see where the use of the word fat would be offensive. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I will update as I update the poem. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Alrighty, here goes: I changed the second paragraph so that it reads more smoothly. I also changed the word "fat" to overweight, in order to not irritate the sensitivities of others. I didn't change the rhyme scheme of the end, because I thought changing it would detract from the impact of the final paragrapah. Searching through the mind archives for proverbs, Reverberate and echo throughout the timeless eons, Lets let bygones be be-gones, travel about the world, Take some time off of work, and scour the Earth, For the absurd. Wisdom wafting about in opium dens, Freedom in the rebellion of dependence, Reading palms among the illiterate, Overweight people who manage grace Under clothes which don’t fit, Such aberrations are makeshift, Ad-hoc lock stock and barrel, Parts of the whole, As malleable as the marrow in the bones, Such are subject to change, The dope fiend may rediscover his dreams, The blind can make up for their lack of sight by reading other things, And the fat man may loose weight, And his clothes will fit loosely, So to be obtuse, In this world there is no such thing as crazy. The flags that are foisted, hoisted over the city limits, Are as false as the wolves hiding in sheep’s clothes, They delineate a line in the Earth, artificial and barren, Scarecrows line the border, in every town, within every citizen, Patriot pride has arrived, in an era of fear, Despite all of the information, nothing is as it appears, It’s weird, how the world can change in a wink of the eye, As coy as the sunrise appearing in a blackened sky. Up the hill and down the hill, Do not worry; we have a pill for you, Some will do good and some may cause harm, Be smart; avoid the void like the plague, If this is vague then take this to heart, Refrain from outfitting yourself in self-constructed armor, It may be misconstrued as your desire to be a martyr, So when you’re on the killing floor, do not dare stop to beg, Or barter, if you go down on your own, you will surely go farther. Insane I may be, (and I know it’s a contradiction) It has been a pleasure to write to you this diction, Manifested in idiolect, Just letting you know that I know where it’s at, So when you see me, don’t forget to tip your hat, Or your waiter, See you later, Catch you in another alley, Alley cat. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
fat man YOU also used "fat" again just to mention. Personally I think it is juvenile to use it but it doesn't offend me personally so I can't quite complain. The flags that are foisted, hoisted over the city limits, Are as false as the wolves hiding in sheep’s clothes, They delineate a line in the Earth, artificial and barren, Scarecrows line the border, in every town, within every citizen, Patriot pride has arrived, in an era of fear, Despite all of the information, nothing is as it appears, It’s weird, how the world can change in a wink of the eye, As coy as the sunrise appearing in a blackened sky. I liked these lines above best. I do not get why you had some of these rhymes when most of it is freeverse but I like the use of words and the description I get. NO offense meant to anyone but those lines remind\describe America in part. It could be my mind being weird but the idea of the ones who hoist the flag being false to me seems to be the politicians and it just reminds me of how messed up parts of the govt are. Not sure what the intention of those lines were and how differnt then what I though are. Want to enlighten me , what did you really mean by that? Also the last line in your poem I really liked , it seemed to be good to sum up this poem, but parts of the poem aren't up to parr for it. RhIa |
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lifeonly Junior Member
since 2006-10-18
Posts 18Ontario, Canada |
I don't mind the use of the rhyme in the last stanza. Like you said, its good for adding emphasis, though some of the rhyming feels a little strained in places. I enjoyed the last two lines, they're very playful and I noticed that the poem really switches mood going into that last stanza. It starts very serious and shifts there at the end. I'm not sure whether this is a good or bad thing, but a little twist is always good. As Brad already said, the thoughts sometimes seemed to be confined to one line each and I think a little more enjambment and connection would help it appear less jumpy. You improved on this in the rewrite though and I think it read a little better. Good luck in the contest should you choose to submit it! |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Rhia, Thanks for responding. When I mentioned the flags, I meant that the flags themselves were false, not the people who hoist them. That is elaborated upon in the following lines. And I am indeed from America, Rhia...don't quite know how you hit upon that one  . Lifeonly, Thank you for your critique. I am not quite sure what enjambment means, but I will look it up as soon as I log off off PiP, and try to heed your advice in later work of mine. Oh, and thanks for your wish for good luck in the contest. I have already submitted it, and am crossing my fingers. [This message has been edited by UseTheIllusion (01-23-2007 09:20 PM).] |
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