»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Dance Me Darkly
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Dance Me Darkly |
|
|
divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon 
|
I know the format of this is going to make some of you twitch (it's meant to be disjointed and gradually come together, if that makes any sense, maybe I'm just warped)It doesn't post exactly right when I type it here, the spaces are a little off -- I'm aware also that the overuse of personal pronouns is going to be zeroed in on -- but this is my favorite of what I've written, and I want it to be better. So, *cringes* fire away  ~Sheli~ In the dead of night my mind revolts thoughts run rampant tripping skipping trickling into the dank closets and cobwebbed corners, dusting off the skeletons, in the deep recesses there, teaching them the jerking twitching dance of the long dead and best buried come closer, here, my hollow friends with your rattling creaking lanky stance with cackling howls and mindless shrieks entertain me with disjointed dance (dance me darkly skeletal beau I would miss you were you to go) you're no longer fearsome demons only just remaining shells of all my past transgressions that I've hidden rather well from all the world around me and sometimes from myself Tonight, I'm going to use you head to toe and knobby knees I'm going to pluck you all apart to satisfy my needs (dance me darkly skeletal beau I will miss you if you go) Your skulls, my ocularis inkpots, each bone a brand new quill your bony pens will scrawl my thoughts and with my verse parchment will fill come, my cackling merry mates the night is still but young rattling shrieking howling creaking whirling skeletal dervishes dance until I'm done (dance me darkly skeletal beau I might miss you if you go) I use you for my pleasure to pen away my pain and wade through seas of secrets that I tried to drown, in vain. My familiar cold companions you've all been here far too long I've kept you with me weakly but I know that I am strong (dance me darkly skeletal beau I won't miss you when you go) my faithful skeletons at my feet disassembled by my own hand you're reduced to pick-up sticks and still,I stand (dance me darkly skeletal beau Death comes for you, it's time to go) |
||
| © Copyright 2007 Sheli Carmichael - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Untill I have time to do this very nice piece master piece , for now I have to say its one of my favorite pieces. (I haven't dissected it yet, I have to go to bed soon and hope it snows during Gym class or my gym teacher decides to take a surprise vacation to Timbuktu) . It all appealed to me, I liked the description and I could picture it. I liked the minor rhyming in certain parts it worked well together. Some parts could be stronger but the part I thought was strongest was (dance me darkly skeletal beau Death comes for you, it's time to go) I loved those parts where you put that in. It really came through for this poem. Untill I have time to look at this better, Excellent work. If I had half of the talent showed by this poem , I would be very happy. RHia |
||
|
divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
Thank you, Rhia. I know there are some weak spots in there -- my brain shuts down when I try to do anything about it though lol ... I'll look forward to your dissection of it  ~Sheli by the way, I've been watching you here darlin, albeit quietly, and you're getting better all the time! By words the mind is winged |
||
|
Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
I also liked this, but the format is incorrect. In fact, it makes the piece difficult to read. |
||
|
divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
thanks for the read, Russel. The format is meant to be really off kilter in the beginning. Is it 'difficult' to read, or just a bit annoying? If it's really difficult, I'll have to find a way to make it easier on the eyes By words the mind is winged |
||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Personal pronouns aside--they were essential considering the perspective you attempted to develop here--what always bothers me is the over-use of, 'and' or 'the' and any other inert fillers. A weak point, in my judgement, is the format. It's an uninspiring device, as in most cases, which only makes it more difficult to appreciate what I consider the strong points in this piece: The near and perfect rhymes as well as the--for the most part--naturally flowing meter. Here are the lines where I see problems, inconsistencies or bumps: quote: Drop, "the" & "and" quote: Drop, "off the" quote: Drop, "the" quote: Drop, "the" & "and" quote: Drop, "off the" & "the" quote: Replace, "the" with something such as, all those or all the; then drop "and" quote: Drop, "your". It's a bit redundant given previous line plus it will then read smoother. quote: Drop, "with" quote: Change or drop, "just remaining"…it sounds a bit clunky as I read it. In dropping these two words, you could this line with the next without losing anything and in my opinion smoothing the meter. quote: In my opinion, the words, "all" & " around me" are not necessary here. quote: "pluck you all apart" Another awkward line--colorless to the point of appearing uncreative. quote: This should be written less awkwardly as well. quote: I think the word should simply be "dervish" quote: The word, "disassembled" causes a heavy bump in meter here. Consider a simpler way of saying this. I like the quatrain you repeat throughout, as though a chant. The entire piece appears as something you gave a lot of thought to. Therefore I feel it is surely worth developing. Sid |
||
|
divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
Wow Sid! Thanks for the read I've made most of the corrections you've suggested. A couple of the filler words still remain, it sounded a little clunky taking them out. The word "dervishes" is still there, because it was supposed to be plural, and didn't sound quite right as dervish. I replaced "disassembled" with "dismembered" to subtract a syllable .. but not sure about that one yet. The line "pluck you all apart" is still there, I'm pondering how to change it I've also changed the format somewhat. So, here's the second go round with it -- is this better? In dead of night my mind revolts thoughts run rampant tripping skipping trickling into dank closets - cobwebbed corners, dusting off skeletons, in deep recesses there, teaching them the jerking twitching dance of those long dead - best buried come closer, here, my hollow friends with your rattling creaking lanky stance cackling howls mindless shrieks entertain me with disjointed dance (dance me darkly skeletal beau I would miss you were you to go) you're no longer fearsome demons, now only empty shells of many past transgressions that I've hidden rather well not only from the world but sometimes from myself Tonight,I'm going to use you head to toe and knobby knees I'm going to pluck you all apart to satisfy my needs (dance me darkly skeletal beau I will miss you if you go) Your skulls, my ocularis inkpots, each bone, a brand new quill, your bony pens will scrawl my thoughts; with verse, parchment will fill come, my cackling merry mates the night is still but young rattling shrieking howling creaking whirling skeletal dervishes dance until I'm done (dance me darkly skeletal beau I might miss you if you go) I use you for my pleasure to pen away my pain and wade through seas of secrets that I tried to drown, in vain. My familiar cold companions you've all been here far too long I've kept you with me weakly but I know that I am strong (dance me darkly skeletal beau I won't miss you when you go) my faithful skeletons at my feet dismembered by my hand you're reduced to pick-up sticks and still, I stand (dance me darkly skeletal beau Death comes for you, it's time to go) |
||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: That's always your prerogative as the author. The poem has to beat with your heart after all. quote: You read it as dervishes dancing; I read it as a dervish dance--"Tomato/Tuhmahtoe..." Your choice again. quote: How about, picked apart? Yeah, I know...it's only slightly shorter. Just another idea though. quote: It at least reads a bit better in my opinion. Sid |
||
|
divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
Sid, thank you for your input, it's much appreciated I know it's still a little clunky in spots and will benefit from further editing. I'll keep workin' on it! Besides reading easier, does the meter seem to be smoothing out a bit more? ~Sheli~ |
||
|
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
that I tried to drown[,] in vain. [ ]=delete .. That reads better without the comma My familiar cold companions Instead of cold how about chilled. Cold is such a common work. Chilled gives a different feel |
||
|
trebuchet Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30 |
Sid did a great job guiding you through the tightening of this piece, in my opinion. That said, it's really nice -- I actually hear it as a song in my head. The dance me darkly bit could be right out of a chorous -- gorgeous. I'll return and read more critically, but wanted to express my appreciation for this! I do agree that the form is annoying, but more than that it's unnecessary. YOur writing is strong enough that I don't think it needs to rely on a visual form to communicate what you've done a fine job of already. I'm a cummings fan, myself, but he's so obscure in a way that requires the physical shape of a poem. In this poem, though, it's proving a crutch and a distraction -- just my two cents. |
||
|
divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
trebuchet, thank you for the read I'll look forward to your critique. the format is still annoying after the second posting of it, or were you referring to the first post? ~Sheli~ |
||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
This is still after all only subjective, so anything I propose could be debated any number of ways by others who may--or may not--be more adept at metrics: Your latest version smoothed out some. However, if your goal is now to smooth it out further, you must make a conscious effort to eliminate or change more words and even out the lines. If on the other hand your goal is to work with this present format and experiment with your original idea of a "dis-jointed/off kilter" design, then you may not be inclined to make many more, if any changes. That's fine--it is after all, your poem and will beat with your heart, so it is your decision. I always tend to judge such pieces based on the metric pattern they most exhibit. From that perspective, yours is mostly Iambic with no set rhyming pattern, although it could begin as either tetrameter or pentameter. Having established that in my mind, I'll approach it by mentally eliminating or adding words according to where the meter can be improved given such deletions or additions. Bear in mind, this is only to justify an arbitrary pattern in order to base questions from a metrics standpoint. On that basis though, I'll arrange it in set stanza patterns with the foot lengths indicated as well, so I can better visualize the overall layout. Having done this--judging from a strict-form perspective--I have to conclude that your piece has no specific pattern. In my mind at least, this is what makes it read as choppy and somewhat weak. Again, from this perspective, there are an uneven number of lines before each chant-couplet. It's my opinion that if you first get the metrics right, you can then set your poem out in whatever pattern you wish and it will read smoothly, regardless of where you choose to place any line breaks. Sid |
||
|
sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
i'll have to do a more thorough read before i can crit the content, but the form (first version) i found very original. it seems in perfect sync with the theme of dancing to me. this form could almost be classed as concrete poetry, where it is set out in a manner to match the content. i was half expecting to read some of the words backwards as you spun down the page. good work. regards, sampo. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
