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James McInerney
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 83

0 posted 2007-03-07 05:08 PM

"Today Not Tomorrow"

Tomorrow’s sky will never show,
Such Beauty, as it did today,
The way the sun "sets" and "rises",
Will happen in a different way.
The rain may fall again upon me,
Though it won’t taste or feel the same,
The wind may be calm and gentle,
Yet it still won’t recite your name.
The world will keep on turning,
As though it knew no other way,
It won’t have realised how beautiful,
It was just Yesterday....

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

1 posted 2007-03-07 06:25 PM

James~
This is a truly lovely penning~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email - noles1@totcon.com

sampo
Member

since 2007-02-25

Posts 54
oz

2 posted 2007-03-07 06:54 PM

it runs smoothly, for the most part.
that's the best compliment i could muster.

some technical glitches -

Tomorrow’s sky will never show
such beauty as it did today.
The way the sun sets and rises
will happen in a different way.
The rain may fall again upon me,
though it won’t taste or feel the same.
The wind may be calm and gentle,
yet it still won’t recite your name.
The world will keep on turning
as though it knew no other way.
It won’t have realised how beautiful
it was just yesterday.

as to the content, i'd say it's fairly
unoriginal. the sentiment is generic
and the images bland.

how about a couple similies?
a fresh underlying metaphor?

your call.

regards,

sampo.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

3 posted 2007-03-07 07:25 PM

Hi -- Aside from some imprecision in logic, this is a pretty good take.

Look at the title vs. the poem.  The poem is about "Tomorrow Not Today."  Check your meter.  If you are going to write in a metrical form then the meter should be relatively consistent, not just convenient. You're dealing with sonnet-stuff, and an a four beat line which descends into three beat lines doesn't jibe with the integrity of your intent.  Too easy, but if you are going to go that way, certainly your choice, then make each forr beats with variations the best four beats the best you can.

The rain will, not "may" fall upon you.
And the world will continue to turn BECAUSE it knows no other way.  The heart of the poem is this spherical indifference to your loss.  What else might you expect?  Or if you do expect something different, what?  Personally, I'd be outraged, but that's me.

Some might quibble with the affectations in capitalization and quotation marks.  If that's the way you want to write, go for it.  It's your poem.

You deal with a potent and universal theme.  That alone makes this worth working on.

Everything counts.  You can make it all add up because you show your talent.

Jim

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