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Critical Analysis #2

Dunes

Russell8624
Member

since 2006-11-28

Posts 99
Minnesota

0 posted 2007-01-21 01:08 AM

Here is my latest endeavor. Tell me what you think.

P.S.

I know I used the word 'Time' twice in the last
paragraph so don't bother bringing that up.

Vocalisms pass through the wind,
and sway the fields of dried grass.
Distant they are,
As childhood memories,
or echoes from the past.

Whispers envelope my sleeping mind
and remind me of a past long bereft,
of the fullness so that so many seek,
before the solemn hour of death.

Stillness from these,
forever I seek,
but still I am held by regret.
Sorrow rains down on my innermost feelings,
and sets the heart so it will not forget.

Yet here I look upon the ocean,
and smell the air of another time.
And although I can never,
touch my hand to the water,
A part of it,
will always be mine.

Not that in,
our final meeting,
will I leave these Dunes of Time.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2007-01-21 04:57 AM

The rythmn was not all that smooth. You need to even out the syllable count.

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

2 posted 2007-01-21 04:04 PM

I liked it.  It was hard to keep up with the rhythm with pieces of it, but by changing this for example:

Yet here I look upon the ocean,
and smell the air of another time.
And although I can never,
touch my hand to the water,
A part of it,
will always be mine.

To this:

Yet here I look upon the ocean,
and smell the air of another time.
And although I can never,
Touch my hand to the water,
A part of it will always be mine.

It will be all good.  Nice job.  I espcially liked:

Whispers envelope my sleeping mind
and remind me of a past long bereft,
of the fullness so that so many seek,
before the solemn hour of death.

The search for meaning on the death bed.  Very poignant.

Russell8624
Member

since 2006-11-28

Posts 99
Minnesota

3 posted 2007-01-21 04:48 PM

I'll take your advice. Thanks for the post.

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