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Critical Analysis #2
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trebuchet
Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30


0 posted 2007-01-16 02:15 AM



You told me I was a hurricane, once;
sucking people up out of their lives
like frogs from their cool, happy creekbeds
and dropping them, shaken, somewhere hopeful and bright.

You told me I felt as natural as rain,
like soap on your damp body.
You said I left you cool but sweet;
I was proud of the traces me on your skin.

You watched my eyes burn but didn't tell me I was beautiful.
I forgot what to do when a man doesn't say that.
Each day you cleared your throat and didn't say it
I blinked and began to believe I was gone.

You called me a contradiction one day at the fair,
pointing out in my hair the chewed pencil that held it,
then breathing softly on the silver and diamonds
embedded proudly in each of my ears.

You said I spoke like a shotgun at three in the morning
after our talk left me pale and raw,
and I envied your aim; your sharpshooter hand so steady
it almost didn't hurt as I bled birdshot words.

You watched my eyes burn but didn't tell me I was beautiful.
I forgot what to do when a man doesn't say that.
Each day you blinked, cleared your throat and didn't say it
drove me closer and closer to gone.

You watched my eyes burn.
For you I was beautiful,
but I'd forgotten what to do when a man says that.

That day I didn't blink,
and when you finally said it

I was gone before you cleared your throat.

I assassin down the avenue.

© Copyright 2007 Elizabeth Louise Murray - All Rights Reserved
cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
1 posted 2007-01-17 10:58 AM


I'll come back to this later with something more substantial. But reading it just now for the first time, I have to say there probably isn't much I would change. Like your last one, you summed it up great at the end. Lots of visual treats in this and not a whole lot to criticize.
Dammit, there's got to be something!  

Sid


trebuchet
Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30

2 posted 2007-01-18 07:54 PM


I know you can do it, Sid!! Even a little something? Thanks for giving it some thought.
Juju
Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429
In your dreams
3 posted 2007-01-18 11:06 PM


Hey there!!!
I loved the poem, Though I am unsure if there needs to be a transition to "you say I am bad" to "you make me feal worthless"  It might be just by using a transition word on the third paragragh beginig like eventhough.  I am unsure  what is needed to be done, but I feel the poem needs a transition to pull the poem to gether.   Unfortunitly this may be hard since your poem is so wonderful already.  Someone else may have better advice than me. On how to do that.  It just may be me as well...

-Juju

-Juju

-"So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos

cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
4 posted 2007-01-19 10:39 AM


OK, how about this...?

S1L3;  'creek beds' is two words.

S2L4; I would rather hear it stated as, "…those traces [of] me…" or, "such traces..." to show the immediate relationship to the previous thought and tie it in better as a simile.

S3L1&3; S6L1&3
I would prefer you change "didn't" to failed to, which has a stronger implication.
But, upon doing this, for consistency's sake, you should then change the final contractions; first, in  S7--while adding an operative word as well--saying instead: "but I forgot what to do when a man [actually] says that."  Also, in S8, saying instead, "…I failed to blink,"
But to go along with this in, S3L2:
Repeating, "…fails to…" in that line would be distracting, coming right after the same word in the previous line. So my suggestion would be to consider saying, "I had forgotten what to do when such words go unsaid", or something similar.

BTW…I still liked this upon reading again...and again.

I may even love it…

dammit!

[This message has been edited by cynicsRus (01-19-2007 11:20 AM).]

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
5 posted 2007-01-20 02:06 AM


A strong piece. I dislike 'closer and closer to gone' -- reminds me of a, I think, a Rainbow song (I no longer trust my memory these days).

At any rate, a nice turn and strong pictures.

Advice, what about a companion piece with the voice of the companion?

trebuchet
Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30

6 posted 2007-01-22 01:04 AM


Juju -- Good idea!! Working on it.

Cynics -- thank you for the specific suggestions. I actually like them very much. I am struggling a little, in implementing them, to maintain consistency and rhythm throughout, but am close to figuring it out. I'll let you know what comes of it.


trebuchet
Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30

7 posted 2007-01-22 01:05 AM


Brad: SUCH an amazing idea. I never would have thought to, but I love the concept. Thank you thank you thank you. It's on my list of pieces to write.
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